The Details

What a journey of emotions I walked today. As I woke up this morning I had a song in my heart. Fully knowing I was not alone. As I got Danny up to get ready for school, my sweet boy was ready to puke. The love my boy has for me melts my heart. I am sorry he had to go threw the fear and knowing he couldn't touch me after I consumed the radiation affected him deeply. I allowed him to stay home from school. Off to catch the ferry I went alone (by choice). After I boarded the ferry I started surfing Facebook where I learned the horrible news that my hospital roomie who finally went home yesterday,  since our surgeries on September 19th, passed away in her sleep. She give it such a mighty fight!! She was such a strong strong lady! I lost count to how many surgeries she ended up having but 16 is in my head. I don't understand why, we had the same surgeon and the same fight. Cancer is such a nasty beast!! As I rode the ferry I cried for my friend. Then I had a new sense of I gotta kick this cancer in the face for both Lyn & I!! I laid in the scan with my Pandora Laura Story music for 49 minutes.....as the scan moved downward they had the monitor facing down at me...the images were blank...nothing was lighting up. My song Blessings filled the room at top volume and I was filled with Peace. Of course the tech's couldn't give me the results but by then we had swapped stories of our jobs. I had the same tech as I did yesterday who witnessed me hugging a patient in the hall. She thought I worked there...lol Sometimes reading between the lines gets one a smile with knowing information. I next went to my doctors office and asked for the results. Yes I was that patient without the appointment,  but I wanted to know if I could eat. I was nice about it and friendly but the clerk was a grouchy pants with an gray cloud attitude.  I told her I would wait, her response we'll the nurses go to lunch in 45 min you may have to wait tell 1:00 when they get back. I said no prob I will wait. Then she proceeded to make snide nasty comments about me as I sat there. So not OK! I held my tongue but not my finger as I email back and forth with my MD so I figured I would email him as I sat there listening to Debbie Downer....not 5 minutes later his MA came out and got me and my MD was waiting for me with my results. Such a giant reminder for all my medical friends and that we don't know the whole picture of any of our patients days and to watch our attitudes and tongues. And not to sit at our desks and complain about things our patients so don't take for granted. (Off my soap box now) My doctors words are still a shock to me......there wasn't any radiation uptake anywhere.  My lungs are clear, my neck is clear of thyroid cancer. This summer I will have a CT scan to check my lungs and make sure whatever it is in there doesn't grow. On Sunday as I stood in church singing at the top of my lungs I had this pain in my lung that I can only describe as a feeling of something climbing out of my chest, directly followed by a complete feeling of peace. I honestly expected there to be some uptake in my neck and fully intended to not treat if my lungs were clear. In the simple words of my son tonight....."Mom, you are very blessed!" Feeling very blessed and even taking tomorrow off from work to just embrace life!! ♥

Crying over Food

Did I really just cry over food? Man who am I? I have been mostly living on oatmeal, granola, fruit & coconut milk. Safe to say I'd be surprised if I am even consuming 600 calories a day. Tonight I came home cut up some veggies to go with my special Indian rice and went to grab the sodium free turkey to add to my concoction and the turkey was MIA. So I call Ken at work and he & Mary ate it....I totally busted out in tears. How wrong of me to get so emotional over food. I was so let down because I was excited to just have food. Needless to say I had already cut up mushrooms & celery.  So I took 4 egg whites cooked them up. Took 1/2 stick of unsalted butter melted it in the wok, added veggies, NON-iodized salt, pepper, rice and cut up egg whites....fried it up. Funny is it turned out so yummy I ate 2 bowls. Then I felt foolish for crying over missing food. Trying to look for positive.....so I will focus on the fact I am now more then half way...I am down 8 pounds in a week and my new pants are falling off and so is my wedding ring. I grabbed my daughter's winter coat out of the closet this morning and zipping up a size small toasty warm coat did make me grin. I am finding it harder to stay focused and put my headsets on my ears at work to keep me from getting distracted.  But SQUIRREL's sure like to jump at me. ;)

Snappy pants

I have spent my weekend sleeping a whole lot. Sleeping in AND naps. Tried to shop after going to the Vet and I was done 20 minutes into it. I just wanted to go home. I did make it to second service at church but didn't have the strength to stand and sing. Funny how much strength we really do get from the food we eat. I am not even half way thru my special radiation diet and I have been forced to face that I really do have a disease. Up until now I haven't really thought about what does cancer look like. Sure we all see people who have lost their hair as they under go treatment, but there's not always a solid image that screams cancer. Cancer can be silent with no image to display.  Which in some ways really makes it easy to live in denial.  My favorite place to live for sure....because when living there it's like living at Disneyland. My brain is not operating fully and at times it takes me a second. Maybe it's safe to say my brain has turned into oatmeal....because I sure have been living on oatmeal.  12 days until my scan....hmmmm kinda like the 12 days of Christmas. Let's see on the 12th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal. On the 11th day of prep my true love gave to me a poached egg white. On the 10th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal. On the 9th day of prep my true love gave to me an avocado with no salt tortilla chips. On the 8th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 7th day of prep my true love gave to me 5oz of chicken, no salt of course. On the 6th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 5th day of prep my true love gave to me homemade granola.  On the 4th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 3rd day of prep my true love gave to me special rice & turkey. On the 2nd day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the last day of prep my true love gave to me one last freakin bowl of oatmeal. It's safe to say life is rather interesting right now as I try and cook for the family and for me. They are being so good about trying to help and not complain.  I am trying not to be grouchy pants but I love food and being told I can't makes me grouchy. So if I get snappy at you, please don't take anything I say right now too personal.  ♥

Thankfulness

With Thanksgiving approaching I am trying to focus on what to be thankful for, even though I could seriously get lost in the world of doubt. On Thanksgiving my no sodium diet begins....I had no clue how much sodium is in everything...reading labels is rather frightening.  Do you know there's even sodium in shampoo & body washes? I keep reminding myself to be thankful that this diet is for only 2 weeks and not a lifetime allergy. Days of quick foods & mochas will be temporarily gone....and planning ahead will be vital. Attitude is everything,  right?? I joke at work as right now I am that patient who is living in her denial stage. My plan is to have my scan on Dec. 12th and for the 2 spots in my lungs NOT to light up and scream hello, I am your thyroid cancers sister. And then I can cancell my radiation treatment on Friday and just have 6 month check ups to monitor that nothing is growing.  Because I will choose not to treat the remaining thyroid tissue. The risk for lymphoma & leukemia just isn't worth it. I know I know we don't know how this will all turn out....but a girl can dream and besides I still believe in miracles! Wouldn't it be amazing to walk out of my scan with not one little light up and to be completely cancer free?? I believe this is possible and pray for God's will! (Even if His plan is different then mine.)

So as Thanksgiving approaches I have so much thankfulness in my heart....Thankful for my 3rd chance at life, my family, my friends, my love of cooking, laughter, happiness and even trials. Life isn't always easy....but I am pretty sure if it was I would miss out on being thankful.

♥

Crazy head beware

It's been a while since I have blogged....mostly because I have been trying to figure out what to do and it's one jumbled mess. But the clock is ticking and a decision needs to be made. This Thursday Ken & I will be meeting with my Endocrinologist for 40 minutes to plan my life. I have no clear answer in my gut that I am leaning towards. The treatment the doc is leaning towards is haunting my head. Radioactive Iodine treatment as I research more and more and get insight from a thyroid support group I get more frustrated.  But the deeper side is the two diseases of leukemia & lymphoma that it will put me at risk for has names & faces of patients that have touched my life as those diseases took them away. I am really struggling with this part. I don't want my children to have to watch those diseases if I can prevent it....not to mention it clearly hasn't worked the first or even second time....why would the third be any different?  If I was forced to choose today my plan I honestly would say I choose to do nothing.  But I will go in with an open mind and ask a lot of questions and finally get to learn about the 2 spots on my lungs as per his email is on our agenda. 

I do have to say I am sorry for pulling away from everyone.  I am in survival mode right now and trying to keep you all protected from this crazy madwoman head of mine. It's a good thing there's not a way for our thoughts to be seen. Just know I still love you all bunches.

Right before....

So as time has moved forward and as I have not taken any heavy pain meds for 3 days now my brain is no longer foggy and I have been able to learn more about surgery day. This morning Ken & I were talking about our brief meeting with the surgeon just prior to me going back. I had decided that I was ok with leaving the tumor if it meant keeping my arm. If given a choice I wanted to keep living the way I knew how, fully. The surgeon said the loss of my arm was his biggest concern as well. But leaving the tumor just wasn't an option. I said, "alrighty then let's get this party started!" I was never afraid and truly was at peace with life. Living up to my saying that I am not allowed to stress over something that I have no power to change. When looking life in the eyes I knew no matter where this adventure was about to go that I'd face it all head on. Ken explained that exact moment as the scariest in his whole life. I am really thankful I wasn't looking at him during that talk as he was behind me. I am so glad my army was able to distract him for the next hour. I am in amazement by God's presence & power to go before and to have such a clear direction and for the tumors to be able to be pealed away WITHOUT cutting my nerves. God is good and I truly give Him the glory. I feel like I was given a third chance at life. My strength is almost completely back. I get exhausted pretty easy and my voice starts to fad if I talk too long. But I can't stop smiling.  Life is good. I pray radiation in November will just be a crazy appointment I gotta go to and that I will continue to work even during. Because I can't stop having a purpose or that means I have given up. There will be time for rest if I need it, and I will listen to my body, not to mention I have this team of medical staff that will not let me push too far. I can't imagine being in a more beautiful spot right now. Life is good my friends.....live it fully with lots of laughter! !♥

Back to myself

Today has been 8 days since green globe was surgically removed. Today was the first day where I didn't take any heavy pain meds. Just motrin, calcium & vitamin D. But today is the first day I can remember the whole day. I only took 1 nap today. I was able to paint my nails and shave my legs.  I was singing praises thru both these procedures.  So beyond gratefulness!  Had 4 visitors today and the plumber (who actually was someone I have gone fishing with....lol small island). It was good to "feel" almost normal.  I go next Wednesday for my post op check. I am very swollen today and as my friend reminded me.....no matter how swollen cancer free is sexy!! I will keep reminding myself of that. Obviously the surgery went amazing. I can't believe it only took 1 hour!! 10 tumors GONE and the one on my vocal cord plus the one on my nerve for my left arm peeled off like an onion. Thank you God for this miracle you blessed me with. As I woke up from the surgery I remember the very first thing I did was lift my left arm up and then a sweet nurse was there and I said "hello" at this exact moment I knew I was great! Then I asked for ice chips and let them do their thing.  What amazing care I was given. Thank you my friends for praying me thru this last week. I really am feeling great and no pain meds is making my head clear again.  Life is almost back to normal,  my kids are smiling & laughing. Another week off with my mom here....hope to gain some energy so we can have some fun. She has been busy sewing while I sleep. I just love how my mom stopped everything to be here for me and my family.  She is a gem!! ♥♥♥ Radiation will begin in November but until then life will be back to living.

Today

Well here we are the day of surgery. I am wide awake because my internal alarm clock says its time to get up for work. How I wish today was a normal day and I was getting up to go to my job that I love. I enjoy every minute of helping others. I have learned to stop saying "that's ok, I don't need anything. " And am now saying,  "I'm not going to tell you no, you do what you need to ." It took me a very long time to get to being able to accept help and figure out people are doing it because they care and need to for themselves.  Seems like such a simple concept,  but so hard for this stubborn lady. I am so much better at giving then receiving.  There's a party today that I really wish I didn't have to sleep thru....my heart is so touched with love as part of my Army will physically be with me today at the hospital. My husband, son, daughter,  mother, Great Aunt, Great Uncle, my girlfriend from jr high/sr high & Kenny (our friend who is responsible for Ken & I ever meeting). With more of my Army coming thru out my stay.....my best friend,  nurse friends, my old boss & co-worker/amazing friend. I can't even begin to describe how this touches the depth of my heart. Thru life at times it's easy to wonder who would really be there in your time of need. Let me tell you learning this answer for real blows my socks off. I have no room at all to ever wonder that question.  I am covered in so much prayers & love that it's better then pixie dust and I honestly can fly. I am not nervous this morning,  not even a slight tummy ache. I know who goes before me and who carries me. My faith has grown stronger, my love for life is more intense,  my friendships have proven their depths....I am truly blessed. No matter todays outcome I will still be smiling.  I have erased the words "I can't! " and my heart is ready to push thru any obstacle thrown at me.....because I will only fail if I don't try. Thank you for being my Army or maybe I should say Thank you for being my Navy....lol Navy Strong my friends Navy Strong!  Thank you for having my back! I love you!!♥

Time

It's the morning before and as I just turned off my work alarm clock for the near future I find myself not thinking "of lasts" but "of firsts". Tomorrow will mark my new birthday.  Another day on my calendar for celebration.  What will the celebration be for.....oh this I know because no matter the outcome of the day we will celebrate my living. I really have lived my life to the fullest and full of adventure.  I have no regrets.....well maybe one (I wanna swim with sharks). Everything I ever dreamed about as my fairytale of life has happened for me....because when I was a kid my dream was to be a mom. Yep I got that definitely well accomplished. My children I still adore and would do anything to protect them. I have done my best to prepare them for what tomorrow will be and that no matter what laugh thru it. I believe that is one of the key things that makes me crazy but able to live without stress crushing me down. While I don't have everything like my closet cleaned out prior to, I do have my heart ready for tomorrow.  And the "stuff" in the big picture it just doesn't matter. I pray you know how much I love each and every one of you and am so extremely thankful for who you are in my life. My friends you have shown over and over so much love and support that it brings me to tears. We may not always have time to talk but I know you are there. I can't say thank you enough! You have blessed my life!! I was talking to my Mamma last night and said "no matter what the outcome of the surgery it's a win win because I will either be eating mashed potatoes with my Bumpa in heaven or waking up laughing here." I honestly am completely at Peace right now. And am laying in God's hands. It's a beautiful thing that I can't fully explain in words. I wonder if I have a glow around me like Tink. ;) I know death is not really a topic that's easy to talk about. But 100% of us do die. And my wish is that when the day comes it will be one of celebration of life and many rounds of deep belly laughs. Get lost in our fun memories that we did do and even make up new ones that we would love to do if we could. I love you my friends and until we met again remember to laugh lots!!!!  ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Weak and strong too

My morning started with me losing it. I knew at some point the reality would strike. I was still in bed and as Ken held me I cried out, "Promise me no matter what you will make my kids laugh!". I plan on being a survivor,  but my head does wonder at times if this is the end for me. It's hard not to think about death as much as I try not to. It is a reality. Today we went to church,  then dropped Danny off at a birthday party, went on a lunch date, followed by massages and as Ken was having his I went to the pottery shop and painted. Getting lost in my own world. I painted both kids their own pancake platters....you see I made one years ago for Ken that on Saturdays we load up with pancakes in the oven to all sit down and eat together. The kids have already fought over who gets the platter when they move out. Now all 3 have their very own. My plan was to make them as wedding gifts someday so they did have their own. But I have learned we don't know what tomorrow holds. My head is ping ponging all over the place. I need to make a beware sign for the side of my hospital bed because as soon as I wake up I will be attempting to swing my left arm and yell. I gotta know right off if my parts still work. My head wonders how on earth will I make work work if I don't work the same anymore. I pray I can be a light some how and suceed in my weakness. Thank you for so many kind words, prayers, scarfs of hugs, driving me & your love.  I will take this week head on and living it to the fullest! ♥

Perfect day

Yesterday as I walked, laughed, hugged and even let a few tears fall when no one could see; I was locking away moments in my heart. Our day at the Puyallup Fair was everything I wished it to be. Decided we weren't really a fan of deep fried Snickers....they were interesting but my Snickers Smores are way better. The Elephant Ear smoothed in raspberry jam and the Krusty Pup (corn dog) were yummy. But my favorite as always was the hot raspberry filled scone. Maybe it's the memories that are included with the scone.....that was the one thing we always ate as a kid too. But it made a tongue very happy. The animals were fun too, but the memories captured in the barns was priceless.  I will share the photos. Danny pointed out 2 cow butts so I turned to snap a photo.....it took a lot of shots and Ken holding Danny back from blocking my camera as he was laughing and telling me I was being inappropriate. I got another picture of a cow just as his tongue was in his nose. We couldn't stop laughing. Oh and talk about inappropriate,  as my son pointed out a cow that was laying down that I guess was too exhausted to stand up to poop and had a mess at its tail. I got to milk "Mabel" who even moo'ed as I tugged. The kids passed but I got a coloring page for success. The cute part in the animals was Mary and a baby goat and ohhhh those 1 day old piggies.  I wanted to take them home. The kids and I made our dohdoh birds (colored sand bottles). I remember standing at those same booths with my sister year after year. Danny made his in his school colors.  Mary did a heart as she said she wanted to lock in these memories of so much love. And I did the thyroid ribbon colors. We took our time and got them just right. As Ken watched and captured the moments with pictures and ate his Krusty Pup. We took the birds to the car so we didn't have to carry them. ....this resulted in some serious laughter as I looked down and my birds nose was gone! He was now deformed like I am gonna be. Oh the jokes and funny faces. I was able to get a new nose to glue on at home when I asked the fair worker. We walked the rows and rows of booths of all the cool gadgets for sale. I laid in a space looking massage chair....and I had to have Mary figure out how on earth to stop it and get me out and everything was blown up around you to lock you in and the sales guy had walked away. It actually was hurting my back but we were laughing so hard. The kids really wanted the hot tub and kept saying it would help you mom....lol We didn't get it. But there was no lack of trying.  I really enjoying looking at new gadgets.  I got a hose spray thingy that was invented by a fireman and now my hose will look like I am putting out fires. They came in multiple colors and of course I picked turquoise. We also got a really cool pruner that can be done one handed even thru a thick twig. The kids favorite buy was their Manga sweatshirts as Mary had her paycheck and spoiled her brother.  This makes me smile as I watch her WANT to do something nice for her brother.  My favorite buy of the night is a nail art kit.....oh boy am I gonna have fun with my nails today. So the concert was amazing.  Carrie Underwood met the 3 year old girl who was in her video today for the first time. That little girl told Carrie she was going to sing with her. So that's exactly what happened. They sang I'm going to see you again. It was the sweetest thing. The moment and the song made me cry as going thru my head were those words and I know I am going to see my kids again, rather on earth or in Heaven. It is getting so real and so close that I find myself with a permanent knot in the pit of my stomach. My heart aches but I will not give up and I truly believe attitude makes all the difference in what my outcome will be. Right in front of us is a 6 month old baby with noise canceling head sets and he couldn't stop smiling at MaryBeth as it brought thoughts of her facial expressions to me when she's a mama some day. Capturing every avenue in my head these days. My sons ears were hurting from the volume as he has his mom's super sonic ears. He ended up falling asleep on me. It made me laugh but I enjoyed the snuggle time fully in the middle of the fun. As I was driving us home I replayed the day over in my head. Then all of a sudden Danny's birds nose fell off and a whole new round of laughter flooded around me. I loved our day and am so glad we pushed the surgery off so we could make these memories. ♥

Untitled

As my son didn't even look back as he attends his first youth group meeting ever....big step for my shy boy....I sit in the car writing him a forever letter, getting lost in music and praying for protection over my children & husband this week. We have sugar coated nothing for our children so that there are no surprises. It's difficult to figure out that fine line but knowing my kids I believe they are not only old enough but will trust/believe Ken and I even more should life not turn out how we want. If all my wants happened. ...none of this would be taking place. But as we all know life isn't that easy. Why am I going thru this again? Why now? In the prime age of life. There's so much I still want to accomplish and yet so much I have been reminded that I have taken for granted. Life is a precious gift that I know I have thrown aside at times and totally taken for granted. Even the simple things. The sweet notes to let my family know they are so important to me. The quick little text to my friends.  The phone call I never found the time to make. The ease of words coming out of my mouth. The ease of wrapping my arm around everyone I love. I believe God is the mighty healer and I believe in miracles!  I pray for God's protection over me and my family.  If things turn out different then my desires it is ok but I will pray for strength and a creative mind to make the best out of the situation all with humor of course. Feeling exhausted, emotional, sassy & sad tonight. Just over a week to go.....

Pushing through

Have you ever had one of those mornings where something is trying to keep you from getting to church? That was our house this morning. First we woke up at 10 am, church starts at 11. Phone rings and it's the nursing home. Mother n law couldn't get her new phone to work. Then the dog had an accident.  Mary wasn't ready, good thing she could drive herself. Next the toilet backed up. And frustration was very apparent.  So I said we are going to church! Told mother n law we'd be over in a few hours. Cleaned up the dog and put her in her cage. And said the toilet could wait as I wasn't gonna risk smelling like a toilet.  We made it to church right on time and Mary was just 5 minutes late. An example of pushing through and ending up in a good place. I had each of my kids holding on to my hand and it warmed my heart knowing how important I am in their lives. Something that really is taken for granted at times. I wondered if I am really going to be unable to hold both their hands again. Will I be able to lift my voice and sing along? How is it that I have taken these simple things for granted? Why haven't I been more thankful? I left church in peace and joy as I watched both my children climb into Mary's car as a team. Why this whole cancer disruption just sucks....the closeness it has grown makes this mama smile. ♥

Time to write

With less then 2 weeks to go my heart has been preparing to write to my children.  I have decided to not use the computer but to actually use a pen & paper. My head and heart have been deep in thought of what exactly it is that I want to say to them. It scares me a little in the depth of my need to write these letters. But at the same time knowing these words I write could make all the difference in their hearts, pushes me forward. Being Mom to my children has truly been my greatest desire and I am so blessed by their love. As you remember my family in your prayers this week, pray for peace and joy. It is turning into the freak out time. So many unknowns and no control is starting to take it's toll. While I try and keep things upbeat and full of laughter there's a storm cloud always hanging just right there. I figure if I blow hard enough like the big bad woof I can shield my family from it. I know there's a battle ahead and I'm very much ready for the fight. Just wish I didn't have to drag everyone into ugliness. But at the same time I can't imagine not having my Army with me. The strength you all think I have pushes me to remain strong and upbeat. I can't let anyone down. ♥

Finding Joy in the Journey

Last weekend I bought a square piece of wood, that says "Find JOY in the journey". All week the word Joy as been in my head. While I have had some downs this week, mostly I have had joy. Joy has come in many ways. I have sat at the post office unable to even start the car as I cry over my mail.....talk about Joy. It wasn't a bad cry, it was a good cry as the Joy of my friendships touch me so deeply. I can't even begin to describe this feeling of Joy, the support,  love, prayers, laughter, hugs by scarfs, texts, books, strawberries,  cards, emails & "drivers". I am amazed,  blessed & full of joy. I have the worlds greatest friends, that have my back.

Even this insurance disaster...I will list some joys. Bottom line is the insurance company states they have nothing since July 2. Which means my referral to the surgeon was never approved. That being said we will just be happy in the Joy of knowledge from my surgeon and those scans. Just maybe it'll all get approved under "continuation of care". Those in the medical field will understand and giggle....as I was that Friday at 4 o'clock patient on a holiday weekend phone call yesterday.  And the insurance rep went out of his way. He said "lets call your referring doctors office together". He was very patient,  funny & full of Joy. His name was Patrick and he lives in Phoenix. We were on hold together as the doctors office had to keep putting us on hold. Thankful for an insurance man with a giant heart. Why I don't know what will unfold ahead, but can only trust and truly let go and let God. It is out of my hands. No stress this weekend.....instead I will find Joy in the Journey.

This poem was on my parents wall when I was a kid....perfect reminder:

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend. I brought my broken dreams to God, because he was my friend. But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone. I hung around and tried to help in ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried, "How can you be so slow?". "My child", He said, "What could I do, you never did let go?".

Find Joy in the Journey......yep that's my plan! ♥

Friends

Today I was once again reminded that I'm not alone. I stand in awe and wonder how on earth I ever became so blessed by amazing friends in my life. The people you see and even the people only I see are from every single journey of my life. There are one's that I was a toddler with, one's I used to go to pre-k with, one's I was in musical's with in my early elementary years, my 5th and 6th grade forever friends, jr high friends, swim team friends, youth group friends, church friends, AZ high school friends, CA high school friends, college friends, my best friend's, parents of kids I babysat who I also call friends, kids I babysat, navy wive friends, family, co-worker friends, dental friends, spouses of my school friends that have become my dear friends, Internet friends, Washington, Oregon, Arizona, California,  Idaho,  Hawaii, Georgia, Virginia friends, my parents friends,  friends of friends & even people that knew my great grandparents but not me. Man that's a giant army I got behind me. One very good upside to moving so much in my life. Life has thrown many different adventures at me thru the years, but without this constant change in my life my army would have never been what it is today. I am so thankful to know so many different, loving, caring & humorous people. The most random texts make me laugh. Thank you for knowing just when I need a giggle,  pick me up, surprise or kind word. For sure you have not allowed me time to get too lost in a self pity party....instead you make me smile and laugh lots. Which is exactly what the doctor ordered. Feeling loved beyond what I deserve.  Thank you!!!!!♥

Weak moments

Waking up from a great night of peaceful sleep and finding out my hubby slept like garbage as his head was full of all the what ifs of the surgery ahead. Boy that really can mess with you. He wonders if he'll have to switch to first shift because I might need ALOT of extra help. How can I keep all of this from changing the way my family runs? Is it even an option to just carry on and do nothing?  No surgery?  No treatment?  That would then create No burden or change, right?? How I wish it were just that simple. My heart hurts as my family is sharing their concerns. Would it just be easier if I didn't survive the surgery? Then they could just move on a whole lot faster. That sounds so negative and it's not meant to I promise!  I just need to find some how, some way to not be a burden.  My prayer is for strength that I can be stronger then I ever knew I could be. That I won't be a burden. And that God controls the surgeon's hands. I promised when I started this blog that I would not hold back and share my journey good or bad. So here you have it....just a hard day of head games.

Starting to Prepare

First a little laughter as my girlfriend Michelle had me rolling last night. Who ever thought one could laugh so hard discussing no voice and a non working left arm attempting to go thru a drive thru with "fun" flash cards to try and order. Oh Michelle you had me in tears and I needed that deep belly laugh that you have always given me. Thank you!!

On the day of my scans and surgeon meeting, Ken was wasting time b4 Mary had to get taken to work by stopping at the bmw bike store. Low & behold he found his gem. Today I got to watch his eyes light up in pure happiness.  At this stage right now I really want to make as many wishes and dreams come true. Not because I am afraid I am going to die, but because any way to have a pure happy moment that distracts the pain is worth so much!!!!!

Today as well we took Danny back to school shopping.....but all Danny wanted was a pair of shoes, he says that he is good with everything else. Is this really my kid??? So needless to say Mama had some time to shop while the girls were roaming the mall. I found some blouses that button up and hide my neck pretty well. Ken & Danny picked out a beautiful scarf for me as well. 2 hours into shopping and I was just plum worn out. So we went and sat outside waiting for the girls. Mary walks up and the needle fearing daughter of mine, who's now 18 and can sign for herself.....got her ears pierced. It was a shocking moment! Things are changing at our house and I was the only one in our family who was unaware she was doing this today. I love the relationship she has been forming with her father and how close they are getting.  Trying not to feel left out...it's a mixed feeling there for me.

Sitting here back at home going thru our mail. My surgery packet arrived today. This is getting very real as I read thru the Health Care Directive/Living Will. But I have no question on signing that I don't want to be left on life support. I don't even want to ever leave that burden on my family of watching me in a coma. Why these are worse case scenarios...I have a duty to sign with their needs in mind.  Heavy stuff but preparing my head, heart & making my wishes in ink.

♥ ~ making memories

I am not cancer, I am me!!

What a day and adventure yesterday was. Definitely reminded I wasn't in control of ANYTHING!  As I walked back and forth from place to place even though I was alone, I never felt alone. I got in trouble for not letting anyone come and sit with me. I am still that girl who feels like she can do it all herself.  It's truly a deep rooted Navy Wife way to be. But I know I'd feel the same way if someone else didn't allow me to be there for them. That wasn't how we planned it, but not knowing if anything was even going to happen until right before it did....I just couldn't see making anyone else sit there could be any fun. So let me give you some details....there are at least 10 tumors in my neck that can be seen. Ranging in many sizes. One is on my vocal cord, which leaves the odds of me losing my voice extremely high. There is an additional surgery that can be done later to reverse that some. I can't even begin to imagine me with no voice....is there such a thing as a quite Dawnelle?? Good thing my ears will still work. Another one of the tumors is wrapped around the nerve in my neck that controls my left arm. The surgeon says he may have to cut that nerve which means no use of my left arm and a road of physical therapy would be ahead. Most of the tumors are located on my left side, where they didn't operate on the last time around. This doctor too believes it's been growing for 18 years. Now the two spots on my lungs are not big and may be able to be treated by radiation.  We are waiting for my older scans to arrive to compare.  After my appointments were over I went outside and called Ken and my mom, then I got in a taxi and the driver asked how my day was? It was only a 5 minute taxi ride to my Great Aunt & Uncle but the driver was able to put a calmness for me to grab on as he told me everything was in God's hands. Then I went to my aunt's arms. I needed that hug!!! We went out for an amazing dinner with my cousin & her kiddos, didn't focus on the yucky stuff and boy did it feel good to eat after a day with no food!!! Oh and the apple crisp was my favorite....sugar touched my lips!!! Next my aunt & uncle drove me to Ken's work to pick up Danny. Dropped us off at the ferry as we left our other car on the other side. Danny stayed connected to me and wouldn't let go. Talked to my mother n law who was eager for some information. And she said, "how are you going to do what you love and cook with only one arm?" Ok that freaked me out as I had not thought about what I couldn't do. Danny saw it and grabbed hold of me and said, "mom lets talk about the positive and what you can do. You will still have your arm and I can help wrap it around me to hug me. You can still laugh and why we may not hear it, we will see it." As my friend pointed out, Danny is me. That's so something I would say to someone else. So I went to bed thinking about the positive,  knowing I am deeply loved and covered in prayer across the world. I still believe in God's power & miracles. I have no control and this isn't my job to run. I slept like a baby. Thank you for loving me and helping me get thru yesterday.  Love your families and make crazy memories!!!!

Tomorrow is the day...

I sit here tonight eating more meat...so glad I just ate that last meal. Tomorrow I can't wait to eat a bunch of carbs & sugar. Oh boy tomorrow.....how I have so many mixed feelings running thru my head. I struggle to digest all of these emotions. I am ready to have answers,  but at the same time I'm not ready to know. The 5 beast that are in my neck, do they have anymore family members? Did the spread anywhere else? Can they operate??? After speaking with my doctor guess I interpreted the surgeon wanting to see me into he can operate.  Possibility is still on the table if surgery is ahead or not. So many questions, needing answers. My heart aches tonight as my life runs thru my head. Nights like this make being on different shifts with Ken very loney. But just like I always do I will put my big girl panties on and suck it up......3 pm tomorrow just can't get here fast enough!!!!

Addicted to food porn.

So I survived day one of no carbs, no dairy & NO SUGAR!!! I am having major withdrawals and most of my thoughts turn to food. Don't get me wrong I do like meat but in small portions. Remember this is the girl who can feed her whole family on 2 chicken breasts and still have left overs. Trying to be thankful this is only until Wednesday and not a new life allergy. But those moments when told I can't do something,  makes me want it more!! :) There's amazing food porn out there and I have some great recipes I will be trying soon!!! I never noticed just how much food is posted on Facebook until now. Hopefully today will be easier as work will keep me busy....but then again the food counter in the clinic is always bubbling over with goodies. Oh boy Dawnelle get ready to hold onto your seat! And tell myself if I screw up I will not get the clearest test results. I can control this no room for error....but dang it I just really wanna make those banana brownies!! ♥ Someone tell me they're horrible!

I hear YOU back mom!

Wow these past few days have been just like a roller coaster ride. In 1990 I was dragged onto the giant, white, wooden roller coaster at Magic Mountain. ...just when I got up, then I came down. I didn't really want to go, but was forced on. In the end I could look back and appreciate the ride. It is one I have never forgot as I know so are these past few days. The instant relief from the email Wednesday night from my doctor put me turning back to my goofy ways. Now how on earth could hearing, "the first surgeon feels you need to go see the surgeon we send all the complicated cases to." make me silly?? I think it was just knowing I was going to be in good hands and a plan was forming that brought my smile back. Well that and just being totally inappropriate and crazy with my girlfriends. Still laughing over urn heads and whoha's. Because I can!!! After climbing thru the out of network surgeon and getting my PET/CT Scans & appointment with the surgeon put in place for this Wednesday,  I just can't help but smile. We are mapping things out and that feels good. The scans will tell if the cancer is anywhere else in my body. Best part is I see the surgeon right after. I sure hope that means he'll know those answers then. I was told to bring an ipod to listen to during the scans....wanting to build a play list if any of you have a song you think I should add to that please send me a title & artist name. Not really looking forward to no carbs, sugar or dairy come Sunday....that is going to be soooooo difficult for me. But some how I will do it!!! Ok maybe don't send me any songs about food, as my appointment is at 11 am and 12 hours prior all I can intake is water. All those details being said tonight I had so much fun & laughter with Maria, her twins & Danny. It feels so good to have my laugh back and even better to hear, "Mom, you're back! I hear your old self in your laughter. I had so much fun tonight!" ♥ Celebrating life tonight and fun!!!

Waiting and waiting

I am not getting any better at this waiting game and either is Ken. And watch out because now Ken is on Google patrol. The Internet is a great tool but dangerous too! I am stuck in fog land, not really my normal up beat self. I am walking around while fighting myself in my head. I wanted to email my doctor today but slapped myself telling myself it takes time. There's been discussions in this cancer world as doctors meet, but unclear if I was the topic or some other soul ridding the same ride as me. If it is me then it sounds like an operation is going to be out of the question.  What does one do while holding this very scary information?  I know....she goes NUTS!!!!! OK Dawnelle stop it!!!!!!! Get a grip!!!! But wait what does it mean if one can't have the cancer surgical removed??? Will it NEVER be really gone?? Will radiation be enough?? Would I bleed out if they tried, because of the blood flow to these monsters?? Ok ok Dawnelle you're going to drive yourself to the funny farm and everyone around you. Put your headsets back on and get lost in your music.....but wait every song reminds you of someone, something or an adventure. Those memories then take you down a happy path but then it turns sad because you wonder....oh boy is this a vicious cycle.  Sure hope God understands I have reached that breaking point and supplies some clear answers tomorrow. I want my carefree happy attitude back.....ready to find my pixie dust and fly to Neverland to escape this madness!!!! Wait a second is pixie dust really a drug?? Hmmmmm I gotta think about that one. Distracted by Disney for the moment.

Biopsy Babble

I will attempt to describe what took place yesterday....Maria & I left work at noon and spent a few hours laughing and even touring our sister Cancer Partnership in Everett, which allowed us to put faces to names that we talk to daily on the phone. Not to mention gained a lot of fresh ideas to bring back to our hospital. And helped keep my mind off of what was coming. But then the time came and we checked in, went into the biopsy room...had a few more giggles and danced around in my gown. In came the doctor. Laid down with my neck hanging back as far as possible.  A stick and a burn on the left side. Ok hold on Dawnelle you can do it. First biopsy, I could feel when the needle entered the tumor and then he puts the needle up and down about 20 times. I could feel it being pulled right out of my body. Deep breath and I say One done right? Only 3 to go? And he says nope we gotta get a few on each mass. Ahhhhhhhhhh I wanted to get up and run away....I ended up having 14 sticks total between the 4 numbings and the 10 biopsies.....when we got to the right side I kept thinking I gotta stay brave and I can't let them know I am being a big baby because this has to get done. On my right side at my collar bone thru my muscle he went I wanted to scream. I made a few sounds and a few jokes and tensed my feet and held my breath. Finally we were done!!!!! The doctor tells us next we will be hearing from him next week and a consult with the surgeon to learn if my cancer is operative or not, due to location of the tumors and my scar tissue from my last cancer surgery.  Once that is decided then radiation treatment will be figured out. I then asked how much work am I going to miss? I got to grab onto something in my control. He hesitates to answer that....I say I know you don't have a magic ball. Just guess. He replies a week or two. I smile at that. Got enough PTO saved.  We next headed out to the car and I gave Maria my keys knowing I was in no shape to drive. I swallowed and I started feeling pressure on my throat.  I look in the mirror seeing a lump growing and say this doesn't feel right we better go back in. As we're walking back in my head is freaking out am I going to not be able to breathe in a second? Walk up to the desk and explain short and sweet what was happening.  The clerk's face showed pure horror. Guessing that's not normal. Doctor motions us right back. Ultrasound shows there's internal bleeding.  Put pressure on the mass and hang out for a bit. Still breathing......doctor asked if we were getting right back on the ferry. Explained we were heading to get our toes done. He says good idea. If it gets worse here's my pager number and go directly to the ER. So we had our tootsies & fingers beautified followed by one heck of an amazing Italian meal that was out of this world. I am so glad Maria came as she heard what I was unable to and translated what I was unclear on. I will forever be grateful! Thank you for supporting me Maria! Today I am hurting really good, unable to lift my right arm up and struggling with my neck muscles to lay up and down. Ken washed my hair with pure gentleness for me. I hate not being able to be the care taker. But am learning to lean with a soul of peace and not frustration.  ♥

Limbo land before the storm...

Limbo land before the storm....I want to know, wait I don't want to know, can we just pause time, but wait I NEED to know so I can plan. Tomorrow will get us one step closer to having a clear picture and creating a plan. It will take 5-7 days for the biopsies results.  Which will confirm if the doctor is correct. Then we move onto the CT scan which will give us what stage and if it has spread to my liver, lungs or bones. My head plays backwards as I try desperately to remember previous scans, I remember there being a questionable spot on my lung before I had Danny. And the mind games are really getting bad....My rewind button keeps playing over and over in my head the doctors words, "I think it's been growing for 18 years". While no one is saying it....I can see it in their eyes....this is bad!! Working in the department of Oncology, my peers know too much and I know are trying to protect me...but reality is setting in and I know it just might take me missing more then 2 days of work. I am a stubborn woman and hard on myself as I try to kick this gray cloud because truth is if it turns out worse then I imagine I will go out teaching my children about joy and happiness and making a gazillion good memories. If it turns out by the grace of God to have stayed contained in my neck I will count my blessings every day and make a difference in my patients lives with the deeper understanding of emotions that are tied to treatment,  tests & waiting. May my life serve a fabulous purpose no matter what!!!!! Those tears I released today were healing and good for my soul. My prayer tonight, "May God's will be done." Out of my control and placed in His hands....because I can't control this one.

A day of deep but good talks.

Today was an odd day! First it started with sleeping in, a trip to the nursing home, time spent with mother in law who just isn't happy right now as she wants me to change my answers to the answers she wants to hear, she even got pissy that Ken was buying berries at the farmers market we took her to, because she can't eat them, doesn't matter what we say or do if it's not exactly her way and then we re-live it all over again the next day as she doesn't remember or is she just hoping to get a different answer? After that we took her back to her place, then off to the Navy Exchange we went, getting evacuated due to a fire....never a dull moment.  I did feel sorry for the lady who was in the middle of getting her hair colored and had to stand outside hoping her hair would be ok. Off to the commissary we went. Walking thru the isle Ken says "if you die I don't think I'll ever re marry"....I just look at him and said "you're crazy!"....You so know I didn't let that drop for long. As I was driving us back home I say "seriously you know I would be ok if you remarried with one stipulation.....she has to be funny". Which lead into a really deep conversation about fears, wishes, dreams, wants, tears & laughter. I learned my husband has carried the fear of the cancer resurfacing for 18 years but never shared it because of my "I got this kicked attitude"...he is living in his nightmare right now. Breaks my heart!! We talked about how this all is affecting our children. It's so hard to plan for the worst and hope for the best when talking about how to deal with a 12 year old boy. I will smoother him with lots of love and prayers. Later in the day I ran some errands with our daughter.  What a great talk we had. I can't even begin to explain how much she has stepped up this last month. First if anyone knows Mary and her room you will be so proud to know why Ken & I were out she cleaned her room spotless, all on her own doing. She asked me today if I would write out all my recipes so she would always have them. She talked about how she will step up and help with her brother no matter what. She told me she is so thankful for how I raised her and I need to write out all of my parenting tricks because she said I did it all right. I told her she just needed to know "pick your battles, and don't be so over protective that your kids can't spread their wings and do bad things because they were told No too many times". Hearing her express her heart of gratitude for her childhood just was one heck of a special moment. She then asked where exactly I want my ashes spread because she wants to know my wishes. We concluded with wanting them spread at all our favorite places we've visited,  even Disneyland (which made us laugh...can one even do that?). Then she googled jewelry made from ashes....there really are some beautiful pieces. I am so glad my family brought these things out today....as I don't want to bog them down with my crazy jungle head thoughts....but honestly it felt good to know where they're really at right now.

Feeling loved beyond measures tonight! ♥

Don't judge me, please

So as I step back and try to put my normal happy self back into gear....I stop and ponder. 95% of my life I live upbeat and positive.  It's a very foreign feeling of being down, angry and working thru the battle. I know that it's easy to say "buck up", "stay positive", "don't borrow tomorrow's trouble", "don't go there" and so many more great sayings I have said myself over the years. However I look at it as my mind has a mind of its own. If you ask those around me you will still hear I am laughing at crazy things and living life fully. But in the quiet moments alone left to think is where I think: "will I die from this?", "what things do I need to write out for Ken to run the house & bills as I hold the passwords?", "what do I write in letters for my children to hold close to their hearts forever?" (But shouldn't I do that regardless as no one knows when their last breath will be?) "Will I lose my hair?", Mary already told me if so she is going bald with me....can you imagine that family photo., "how big will this battle be?", "Is that ache I'm feeling is because it's in my bones?" "WHY am I going there???" Everyday at work I watch patients fight for their lives and their strength & courage is amazing. I remember in 1995 being that "I am unbreakable" patient. Trying to find my way back to that mindset.  I think once the biopsies & scans are behind me it will be much easier as I can let the uncertainties of what 18 years has grown inside my science project of this body. But the reality of the possibilities of half my life in growth scares me to pieces....this has gotten way too real!! So I ask that you allow me to be weak during this hardest time of my life, and know I want everything to be glitter and laughter but it just isn't that way right now. Don't judge, just accept me for who I am right now. ♥

Pure Raw Description

Pure raw description.....Today I have kept myself beyond busy in order to run away from myself. It's oh so different this time around. In my young 20's I was indestructible. But as I am on the verge of 40 I have learned that we are all destructible. I am at a stage where my mind has a mind of it's own. It's getting harder and harder to fall asleep at night as I can't shut my brain off. Why I try to keep a positive spin, there are too many times that the tears have fallen.  I can't even begin to fathom not having Ken by my side right now. He has taken me in his embrace and held me as I fall apart. Not judging me, not filling my head with unknown promises, just loving me. I can't handle hearing "it will be ok!". It just makes me cringe,  because you can't promise something you can't control. Guess I'm just not as strong as I thought I was. Rather a wimp lately.  I am getting more and more anxious to have the CT behind me. Not knowing if it has remained contained in my neck is starting to mess with my head. I keep focusing on the fact for 18 years come Tuesday I have celebrated cancer survival, all to learn that ugly thing was setting up residents the whole time inside of me. This pisses me off more and more as the days go by. I am trying to be my own cheerleader & coach because I hate others having to take care of me. But boy am I finding myself in a state of not knowing how to deal with myself. So if you see me getting lost in work....let me work because at that point I am safe from myself....if you see me stumbling,  push me to laughter. If you see me crying, PLEASE don't tell me "it will be ok!". If you ask me what I need...I honestly don't know. A quick :) or just a thinking of you text brings a smile to my day. Thank you for all the love, support & understanding.  (WOW....as I am wrapping up I see a text of love across the top of my phone.....perfect timing! ♥)

Planning ahead.....

As I wake up this morning my head is focused on how the years have flown right on by. My baby girl is now legally an adult as today she has turned 18. Not really sure how that managed to happen so fast. Last night when she came home from work at 1 am she ran into my room to welcome me home. She has never stopped calling me "Mommy", which has always made me smile as I hadn't lost that part of her childhood.....but last night she said, "I missed you so much Mommy! Wait maybe I should grow up and not call you Mommy anymore?!" Oh I know it's time for her to spread her wings, just didn't know how much it was going to hurt when she did. I am so proud of who she has become and that she's strong in who she is. So thankful that she left the teenage drama part out and just had fun as a kid. We are opposites in so many ways but as she's growing up I love seeing her pick up some of my traits.

It's really past time to get my photos all back out and get my scrapbooks put together. I have neglected this part of my life for years now. With the exception of Shutterfly making 3 albums. But as I look ahead and yes (if I'm being honest) even wonder myself at times how/if I will survive this ugly disease. I set a goal for myself to get my kids childhood's documented in photo form and stories too, so that no matter what they will still have the memories and stories only a mother can tell.

Life isn't always going to be easy but I am just one of those people who has to plan ahead whenever possible....must be the control freak in me.

Love your family a little bit extra today! ♥

Mixed emotions.....

I am completely refreshed and yet exhausted...while my head had such a well needed forget everything break...I find myself at the end of this trip back into the thinking too much mind set...airports bring the past, present & future into my mind as I sit and people watch and get lost in my own world. Why my life sure has been one full of so many adventures,  for what I am grateful....has it turned into my childhood dreams? But then again could I have even come close to dreaming this life? I am so thankful for having a man who allows me to be me and run off from life time and time again.  I know this is a rare trait and one I promise I don't take for granted. He laughs at me going to see some hotties but honestly I know I have my own Chippendale at home...I love that at 44 years old I can still admire one hot sexy body daily.....the show was great but it made me miss my man more then anything....especially when they came out in their Navy dress whites....yum!!! A man in uniform melts me still. I do love my life and love that I am still an independent, crazy & fun loving as always....our futures are not written,  but our pasts are gone....living in the present,  because it's a gift to enjoy to the fullest.  ♥

A cure for escaping reality.....a trip with a friend

Since March my life has been non stop between a switch to electronic medical records at work, moving my mother n law from Virginia to a nursing home by us in Washington,  my daughter graduating from high school, dealing with our 4 legged 11 year old baby illness and death, learning and preparing to deal with my cancer and just the everyday business of life. I try to keep my life full of fun but the drama on a down low. But goodness I feel like it's been nothing but drama. In an attempt to run away from reality, I have escaped to Vegas with my girlfriend from high school.....just what I needed.

After just one day away my head is free from thinking and always being one step ahead. We all need to take a break from life just to be able to function better. I can't even begin to describe how free I feel.

So my flight here was one for the books....ya all know me I talk to everybody.  Well the couple I sat next to on the plane I'm pretty sure they noticed nothing. No hellos no eye contact.  Ok I can be quiet and after only 2 hours sleep I did need a nap. But first I needed a barf bag....not one opposed to PDA but when your in public and acting like your in a room behind closed doors, it's just a tad too much. I felt like I was stuck in a bad porno movie and couldn't get out. I almost offered some advice....lol I really don't get embarrassed too easily,  but I was blushing for them!! But hey guess it was a good jump start to escaping reality.

This trip so far has been full of lots of deep belly giggles, fantastic people watching,  a couple naps, sleeping in, eating some amazing food, drinking a free shot right outta the bottle from a sexy man standing on the bar.....really a perfect escape from reality. Oh Vegas even with your scorching heat you are working your magic....well except the slots...lol

A peek into the quiet times...

So this morning Ken stirred awake as I was preparing for work....this usually doesn't happen as he gets in around 1 am from his job. But once in awhile we have one of those quiet morning chats....today was one of those days. He looked at me shaking his head....I popped a smart mouth comment....he said nothing and continued to shake his head. No laughter came instead out of his mouth came...."They lied, NO cancer is a good cancer to get." For years we have been told, "if you're going to get cancer, thyroid cancer is the one to get". I could see the sadness, anger & fear in his eyes. How does one offer support during those unknown moments?  Well with me I turn to laughter....I tried making him laugh. Today I failed. The thought of this evil monster growing inside of me for 18 years has entwined so many emotions throughout my family. We WILL get thru this one day at a time. Some days will be easier and some harder. I will be thankful when we can place all of this behind us again and just celebrate life. Some days I just ignore the big elephant in the room....because it's just easier. I have released Ken from going to my biopsy with me...as he and needles don't mix well. Not sure if it will help him not to face reality for just a little bit longer. I sure hope so. Don't worry I won't be alone. Thank God for girlfriends!!! For now I am ready to forget reality as I run away this weekend with another amazing girlfriend. Friends are soooooooo important!!!! ♥ I love you!

Another birthday? I think so! :)

As I wake up this morning my mind wonders back 18 years....this time 18 years ago I was preparing to have my life's desire....my sweet baby. I didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl yet...but it didn't matter,  my goal was for a healthy baby. Now I had asked God for a red head, blue eyed girl...lol. (Which clearly He said yes to.) My first amniocentesis was performed. Babies lungs weren't ready. So another 2 weeks of steroid shots in my butt and we'll check again. Disappointed to drive away and not get to have our baby yet. But it was about her health not mine. I remember going back home and stopping at Ken & Tiffany's....if my mind serves right this was the day we learned that they had a bun in the oven too. :) Trying to find something to do to get out of the July heat...we ended up at the movies. I believe we watched Apollo 13....I was so uncomfortable I remember finally sitting on the floor in the back of the theater. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I just wanted to hold my baby and freeze time. But I knew having her too soon would not be a good thing...I wouldn't let them operate on me while pregnant, like they wanted to. So I kept smiling and enjoyed feeling my little one swim around in my tummy and protected her with everything I had. I would do it all exactly the same way if we could rewind life.

My 5 lb. 13 oz. baby girl will be turning 18 this July 16th.....and her birthday represents so many strengths and accomplishments to me. I have and always will put my kids needs b4 mine. Because that's just what a mama does. I was taught this by my own mom over and over.

So my first birthday is October 12, 1973...the second one I celebrate is July 23, 1995 (my first cancer surgery)...now I think I will not stop celebrating the second birthday because it holds a special part of a major shaping of who I am.....I enjoy special days and any reason to celebrate! :) So I say YES to adding a 3rd birthday/lifeday to my calendar.

One should never stop celebrating life!!! So bust out the party blowers & balloons and SMILE!! Celebrate every day because it is a gift!! ♥

Super Powers

Today my super powers arrived in the mail box!! Jaye your surprise of the superman cap made me laugh, smile & be thankful for my fun friends!!!! I love how my friends don't take life too seriously and can still have fun even in the hard times. Just so you know whenever the day of my death arrives I expect lots of music, laughter & giggles as you celebrate my life, not my death. I hope you all have at least one nutty story with me!! Hey maybe you should tell me those stories now so we can laugh & remember together!

So today I have decided to make a paper chain...to remind me of my super powers when I am feeling down. What will my chain consist of? YOU!! I am going to put all of your comments/names of your posts to remind me of the support I am surrounded by. I can't even begin to tell you the difference a simple text, IM, email & letter make. I plan on getting some great photos covered up by my paper chain. :)

Today my head has ventured on the vain side....where will my scar be. Will it be ugly? Last surgery I was blessed by a plastic surgeon sewing me up. Will I be more lop sided? Will my hair have to be shaved? If so do I just shave it all off? Can I rock bald? Such silly questions but as I continue to process this roller coaster I will be honest and try and describe my thoughts & feelings.

If you haven't guessed it yet....my head is all over the place today! Have a beautiful weekend, make memories and love on your families!!!!♥

Where it all began....to now

Let's go backwards so that we can go forwards.....1995 while 6 months pregnant and a husband deployed out under the ocean I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. After doctors wanting to operate while I was pregnant,  I very politely told them over my dead body. So after steroid shots twice a week in my growing backside, MaryBeth's lungs reached to being ready and 4 weeks early she arrived. Just a week later it was time to remove "my green glob" ( which was the evil things name ). 3 months later on Ken's birthday I returned to the cold, white room with the music rockin and my fun doctors dancing & singing to me as they knocked me back out to remove green globs family additions.  For 17 years now I have heard my blood levels show that the cancer is still present but we can't find it on the scans, so until we can don't worry about it. Every Navy move meant new doctors and I heard that song and dance so many times that I jumped off the emotional roller coaster and didn't worry. I did have radiation that I drank (nasty stuff tasted like dirty water and killed my test buds for months...even chocolate tasted bad). They locked me away for a week in a paper covered room that no one could come into, and anything I took in I wouldn't be able to take out. My box of crayons kept me busy as I colored the floors & walls completely. Had to keep my mind off the fact I wasn't with my precious newborn. When I got out of "jail" my mom flew back to Cali with my baby girl because I couldn't hold her and we were both crying babies when in the same room.

Fast Forward:

Last year before my back surgery my new primary care looked me in the eye and said, "I don't have time to follow your cancer." At that time I just needed a form filled out for life insurance.  Yeah I placed a complaint and switched doctors after that. Every year she had my blood drawn and called and said my levels were find and to continue my thyroid medication.

So I go visit my new primary care and she tells me tests haven't been ran & asks who is following my brain mets? At that point I was pissed at myself for not asking the tests results and trusting when I heard "it's fine". And brain mets where did that come from....somewhere along the way an interpretation got crossed but for months as I waited for an auth to a specialist I stressed over that. First auth came thru approved...but the doc was on vacation.  When he returned he said my case was too difficult for him. I still respect he admitted that. So after that the military insurance carrier changed....waiting for a new auth I called the specialist office that the oncologist I work for recommended.  Was told they take my insurance so I requested the auth to be for there. I work insurance for my job and knew the temp fix was no auths needed until July 2....well it turns out this new doctor that I saw isn't in network with my insurance.  I called our local military insurance guy that I work with for work asking "now what?" & "help". Why this seems like a giant mess it actually turns out to be a window into this doctor who figured out where the green glob is after 1 bloodwork & 1 scan. If things were under the normal way I would have probably got the same song & dance. The insurance has already paid the claims with no questions.  I now wait for another auth to be put thru under "continuation of care"....if all goes well I should be able to keep seeing this doctor.  And I have my insurance guy to help me along the way. What a relief that I learned today.

What did the tests show? Multiple masses mostly on my right side of my neck. The doctor believes my body didn't react to the radioactive iodine 17 years ago (which I'm allergic to Iodine). Thyroid cancer Thank God is a slow growing cancer and only 4% of people with it die from it. However it freaks me out some to know green glob has been having his family grow for 17 years. My biopsy is August 9th and a CT scan is ahead too to make sure it has stayed contained in my neck.

Why I have more questions then answers I will continue to find the good and laugh along the way. Part of my job is being a patient advocate and talk about life's lessons working its magic. I know because of this it will help many.

Between work, home, mother n law who is still having adjustment issues and all the other little things I should remain busy which keeps my head away from those scary thoughts. The out pouring of love has melted my heart and as I started the day angry/mad....I have ended the day with a grateful heart and my baby boy almost back to his carefree self. I am so glad he could straight out ask me if I was going to die. To take away his fear and surround him with my love tonight melted any leftover ice on my heart.

Thank you again friends & family for loving me and my family!!!!!!! ♥