Pure raw description.....Today I have kept myself beyond busy in order to run away from myself. It's oh so different this time around. In my young 20's I was indestructible. But as I am on the verge of 40 I have learned that we are all destructible. I am at a stage where my mind has a mind of it's own. It's getting harder and harder to fall asleep at night as I can't shut my brain off. Why I try to keep a positive spin, there are too many times that the tears have fallen. I can't even begin to fathom not having Ken by my side right now. He has taken me in his embrace and held me as I fall apart. Not judging me, not filling my head with unknown promises, just loving me. I can't handle hearing "it will be ok!". It just makes me cringe, because you can't promise something you can't control. Guess I'm just not as strong as I thought I was. Rather a wimp lately. I am getting more and more anxious to have the CT behind me. Not knowing if it has remained contained in my neck is starting to mess with my head. I keep focusing on the fact for 18 years come Tuesday I have celebrated cancer survival, all to learn that ugly thing was setting up residents the whole time inside of me. This pisses me off more and more as the days go by. I am trying to be my own cheerleader & coach because I hate others having to take care of me. But boy am I finding myself in a state of not knowing how to deal with myself. So if you see me getting lost in work....let me work because at that point I am safe from myself....if you see me stumbling, push me to laughter. If you see me crying, PLEASE don't tell me "it will be ok!". If you ask me what I need...I honestly don't know. A quick :) or just a thinking of you text brings a smile to my day. Thank you for all the love, support & understanding. (WOW....as I am wrapping up I see a text of love across the top of my phone.....perfect timing! ♥)
No comments:
Post a Comment