Don't judge me, please

So as I step back and try to put my normal happy self back into gear....I stop and ponder. 95% of my life I live upbeat and positive.  It's a very foreign feeling of being down, angry and working thru the battle. I know that it's easy to say "buck up", "stay positive", "don't borrow tomorrow's trouble", "don't go there" and so many more great sayings I have said myself over the years. However I look at it as my mind has a mind of its own. If you ask those around me you will still hear I am laughing at crazy things and living life fully. But in the quiet moments alone left to think is where I think: "will I die from this?", "what things do I need to write out for Ken to run the house & bills as I hold the passwords?", "what do I write in letters for my children to hold close to their hearts forever?" (But shouldn't I do that regardless as no one knows when their last breath will be?) "Will I lose my hair?", Mary already told me if so she is going bald with me....can you imagine that family photo., "how big will this battle be?", "Is that ache I'm feeling is because it's in my bones?" "WHY am I going there???" Everyday at work I watch patients fight for their lives and their strength & courage is amazing. I remember in 1995 being that "I am unbreakable" patient. Trying to find my way back to that mindset.  I think once the biopsies & scans are behind me it will be much easier as I can let the uncertainties of what 18 years has grown inside my science project of this body. But the reality of the possibilities of half my life in growth scares me to pieces....this has gotten way too real!! So I ask that you allow me to be weak during this hardest time of my life, and know I want everything to be glitter and laughter but it just isn't that way right now. Don't judge, just accept me for who I am right now. ♥