Limbo land before the storm....I want to know, wait I don't want to know, can we just pause time, but wait I NEED to know so I can plan. Tomorrow will get us one step closer to having a clear picture and creating a plan. It will take 5-7 days for the biopsies results. Which will confirm if the doctor is correct. Then we move onto the CT scan which will give us what stage and if it has spread to my liver, lungs or bones. My head plays backwards as I try desperately to remember previous scans, I remember there being a questionable spot on my lung before I had Danny. And the mind games are really getting bad....My rewind button keeps playing over and over in my head the doctors words, "I think it's been growing for 18 years". While no one is saying it....I can see it in their eyes....this is bad!! Working in the department of Oncology, my peers know too much and I know are trying to protect me...but reality is setting in and I know it just might take me missing more then 2 days of work. I am a stubborn woman and hard on myself as I try to kick this gray cloud because truth is if it turns out worse then I imagine I will go out teaching my children about joy and happiness and making a gazillion good memories. If it turns out by the grace of God to have stayed contained in my neck I will count my blessings every day and make a difference in my patients lives with the deeper understanding of emotions that are tied to treatment, tests & waiting. May my life serve a fabulous purpose no matter what!!!!! Those tears I released today were healing and good for my soul. My prayer tonight, "May God's will be done." Out of my control and placed in His hands....because I can't control this one.
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