Finding Joy in the Journey

Last weekend I bought a square piece of wood, that says "Find JOY in the journey". All week the word Joy as been in my head. While I have had some downs this week, mostly I have had joy. Joy has come in many ways. I have sat at the post office unable to even start the car as I cry over my mail.....talk about Joy. It wasn't a bad cry, it was a good cry as the Joy of my friendships touch me so deeply. I can't even begin to describe this feeling of Joy, the support,  love, prayers, laughter, hugs by scarfs, texts, books, strawberries,  cards, emails & "drivers". I am amazed,  blessed & full of joy. I have the worlds greatest friends, that have my back.

Even this insurance disaster...I will list some joys. Bottom line is the insurance company states they have nothing since July 2. Which means my referral to the surgeon was never approved. That being said we will just be happy in the Joy of knowledge from my surgeon and those scans. Just maybe it'll all get approved under "continuation of care". Those in the medical field will understand and giggle....as I was that Friday at 4 o'clock patient on a holiday weekend phone call yesterday.  And the insurance rep went out of his way. He said "lets call your referring doctors office together". He was very patient,  funny & full of Joy. His name was Patrick and he lives in Phoenix. We were on hold together as the doctors office had to keep putting us on hold. Thankful for an insurance man with a giant heart. Why I don't know what will unfold ahead, but can only trust and truly let go and let God. It is out of my hands. No stress this weekend.....instead I will find Joy in the Journey.

This poem was on my parents wall when I was a kid....perfect reminder:

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend. I brought my broken dreams to God, because he was my friend. But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone. I hung around and tried to help in ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried, "How can you be so slow?". "My child", He said, "What could I do, you never did let go?".

Find Joy in the Journey......yep that's my plan! ♥

Friends

Today I was once again reminded that I'm not alone. I stand in awe and wonder how on earth I ever became so blessed by amazing friends in my life. The people you see and even the people only I see are from every single journey of my life. There are one's that I was a toddler with, one's I used to go to pre-k with, one's I was in musical's with in my early elementary years, my 5th and 6th grade forever friends, jr high friends, swim team friends, youth group friends, church friends, AZ high school friends, CA high school friends, college friends, my best friend's, parents of kids I babysat who I also call friends, kids I babysat, navy wive friends, family, co-worker friends, dental friends, spouses of my school friends that have become my dear friends, Internet friends, Washington, Oregon, Arizona, California,  Idaho,  Hawaii, Georgia, Virginia friends, my parents friends,  friends of friends & even people that knew my great grandparents but not me. Man that's a giant army I got behind me. One very good upside to moving so much in my life. Life has thrown many different adventures at me thru the years, but without this constant change in my life my army would have never been what it is today. I am so thankful to know so many different, loving, caring & humorous people. The most random texts make me laugh. Thank you for knowing just when I need a giggle,  pick me up, surprise or kind word. For sure you have not allowed me time to get too lost in a self pity party....instead you make me smile and laugh lots. Which is exactly what the doctor ordered. Feeling loved beyond what I deserve.  Thank you!!!!!♥

Weak moments

Waking up from a great night of peaceful sleep and finding out my hubby slept like garbage as his head was full of all the what ifs of the surgery ahead. Boy that really can mess with you. He wonders if he'll have to switch to first shift because I might need ALOT of extra help. How can I keep all of this from changing the way my family runs? Is it even an option to just carry on and do nothing?  No surgery?  No treatment?  That would then create No burden or change, right?? How I wish it were just that simple. My heart hurts as my family is sharing their concerns. Would it just be easier if I didn't survive the surgery? Then they could just move on a whole lot faster. That sounds so negative and it's not meant to I promise!  I just need to find some how, some way to not be a burden.  My prayer is for strength that I can be stronger then I ever knew I could be. That I won't be a burden. And that God controls the surgeon's hands. I promised when I started this blog that I would not hold back and share my journey good or bad. So here you have it....just a hard day of head games.

Starting to Prepare

First a little laughter as my girlfriend Michelle had me rolling last night. Who ever thought one could laugh so hard discussing no voice and a non working left arm attempting to go thru a drive thru with "fun" flash cards to try and order. Oh Michelle you had me in tears and I needed that deep belly laugh that you have always given me. Thank you!!

On the day of my scans and surgeon meeting, Ken was wasting time b4 Mary had to get taken to work by stopping at the bmw bike store. Low & behold he found his gem. Today I got to watch his eyes light up in pure happiness.  At this stage right now I really want to make as many wishes and dreams come true. Not because I am afraid I am going to die, but because any way to have a pure happy moment that distracts the pain is worth so much!!!!!

Today as well we took Danny back to school shopping.....but all Danny wanted was a pair of shoes, he says that he is good with everything else. Is this really my kid??? So needless to say Mama had some time to shop while the girls were roaming the mall. I found some blouses that button up and hide my neck pretty well. Ken & Danny picked out a beautiful scarf for me as well. 2 hours into shopping and I was just plum worn out. So we went and sat outside waiting for the girls. Mary walks up and the needle fearing daughter of mine, who's now 18 and can sign for herself.....got her ears pierced. It was a shocking moment! Things are changing at our house and I was the only one in our family who was unaware she was doing this today. I love the relationship she has been forming with her father and how close they are getting.  Trying not to feel left out...it's a mixed feeling there for me.

Sitting here back at home going thru our mail. My surgery packet arrived today. This is getting very real as I read thru the Health Care Directive/Living Will. But I have no question on signing that I don't want to be left on life support. I don't even want to ever leave that burden on my family of watching me in a coma. Why these are worse case scenarios...I have a duty to sign with their needs in mind.  Heavy stuff but preparing my head, heart & making my wishes in ink.

♥ ~ making memories

I am not cancer, I am me!!

What a day and adventure yesterday was. Definitely reminded I wasn't in control of ANYTHING!  As I walked back and forth from place to place even though I was alone, I never felt alone. I got in trouble for not letting anyone come and sit with me. I am still that girl who feels like she can do it all herself.  It's truly a deep rooted Navy Wife way to be. But I know I'd feel the same way if someone else didn't allow me to be there for them. That wasn't how we planned it, but not knowing if anything was even going to happen until right before it did....I just couldn't see making anyone else sit there could be any fun. So let me give you some details....there are at least 10 tumors in my neck that can be seen. Ranging in many sizes. One is on my vocal cord, which leaves the odds of me losing my voice extremely high. There is an additional surgery that can be done later to reverse that some. I can't even begin to imagine me with no voice....is there such a thing as a quite Dawnelle?? Good thing my ears will still work. Another one of the tumors is wrapped around the nerve in my neck that controls my left arm. The surgeon says he may have to cut that nerve which means no use of my left arm and a road of physical therapy would be ahead. Most of the tumors are located on my left side, where they didn't operate on the last time around. This doctor too believes it's been growing for 18 years. Now the two spots on my lungs are not big and may be able to be treated by radiation.  We are waiting for my older scans to arrive to compare.  After my appointments were over I went outside and called Ken and my mom, then I got in a taxi and the driver asked how my day was? It was only a 5 minute taxi ride to my Great Aunt & Uncle but the driver was able to put a calmness for me to grab on as he told me everything was in God's hands. Then I went to my aunt's arms. I needed that hug!!! We went out for an amazing dinner with my cousin & her kiddos, didn't focus on the yucky stuff and boy did it feel good to eat after a day with no food!!! Oh and the apple crisp was my favorite....sugar touched my lips!!! Next my aunt & uncle drove me to Ken's work to pick up Danny. Dropped us off at the ferry as we left our other car on the other side. Danny stayed connected to me and wouldn't let go. Talked to my mother n law who was eager for some information. And she said, "how are you going to do what you love and cook with only one arm?" Ok that freaked me out as I had not thought about what I couldn't do. Danny saw it and grabbed hold of me and said, "mom lets talk about the positive and what you can do. You will still have your arm and I can help wrap it around me to hug me. You can still laugh and why we may not hear it, we will see it." As my friend pointed out, Danny is me. That's so something I would say to someone else. So I went to bed thinking about the positive,  knowing I am deeply loved and covered in prayer across the world. I still believe in God's power & miracles. I have no control and this isn't my job to run. I slept like a baby. Thank you for loving me and helping me get thru yesterday.  Love your families and make crazy memories!!!!

Tomorrow is the day...

I sit here tonight eating more meat...so glad I just ate that last meal. Tomorrow I can't wait to eat a bunch of carbs & sugar. Oh boy tomorrow.....how I have so many mixed feelings running thru my head. I struggle to digest all of these emotions. I am ready to have answers,  but at the same time I'm not ready to know. The 5 beast that are in my neck, do they have anymore family members? Did the spread anywhere else? Can they operate??? After speaking with my doctor guess I interpreted the surgeon wanting to see me into he can operate.  Possibility is still on the table if surgery is ahead or not. So many questions, needing answers. My heart aches tonight as my life runs thru my head. Nights like this make being on different shifts with Ken very loney. But just like I always do I will put my big girl panties on and suck it up......3 pm tomorrow just can't get here fast enough!!!!

Addicted to food porn.

So I survived day one of no carbs, no dairy & NO SUGAR!!! I am having major withdrawals and most of my thoughts turn to food. Don't get me wrong I do like meat but in small portions. Remember this is the girl who can feed her whole family on 2 chicken breasts and still have left overs. Trying to be thankful this is only until Wednesday and not a new life allergy. But those moments when told I can't do something,  makes me want it more!! :) There's amazing food porn out there and I have some great recipes I will be trying soon!!! I never noticed just how much food is posted on Facebook until now. Hopefully today will be easier as work will keep me busy....but then again the food counter in the clinic is always bubbling over with goodies. Oh boy Dawnelle get ready to hold onto your seat! And tell myself if I screw up I will not get the clearest test results. I can control this no room for error....but dang it I just really wanna make those banana brownies!! ♥ Someone tell me they're horrible!

I hear YOU back mom!

Wow these past few days have been just like a roller coaster ride. In 1990 I was dragged onto the giant, white, wooden roller coaster at Magic Mountain. ...just when I got up, then I came down. I didn't really want to go, but was forced on. In the end I could look back and appreciate the ride. It is one I have never forgot as I know so are these past few days. The instant relief from the email Wednesday night from my doctor put me turning back to my goofy ways. Now how on earth could hearing, "the first surgeon feels you need to go see the surgeon we send all the complicated cases to." make me silly?? I think it was just knowing I was going to be in good hands and a plan was forming that brought my smile back. Well that and just being totally inappropriate and crazy with my girlfriends. Still laughing over urn heads and whoha's. Because I can!!! After climbing thru the out of network surgeon and getting my PET/CT Scans & appointment with the surgeon put in place for this Wednesday,  I just can't help but smile. We are mapping things out and that feels good. The scans will tell if the cancer is anywhere else in my body. Best part is I see the surgeon right after. I sure hope that means he'll know those answers then. I was told to bring an ipod to listen to during the scans....wanting to build a play list if any of you have a song you think I should add to that please send me a title & artist name. Not really looking forward to no carbs, sugar or dairy come Sunday....that is going to be soooooo difficult for me. But some how I will do it!!! Ok maybe don't send me any songs about food, as my appointment is at 11 am and 12 hours prior all I can intake is water. All those details being said tonight I had so much fun & laughter with Maria, her twins & Danny. It feels so good to have my laugh back and even better to hear, "Mom, you're back! I hear your old self in your laughter. I had so much fun tonight!" ♥ Celebrating life tonight and fun!!!

Waiting and waiting

I am not getting any better at this waiting game and either is Ken. And watch out because now Ken is on Google patrol. The Internet is a great tool but dangerous too! I am stuck in fog land, not really my normal up beat self. I am walking around while fighting myself in my head. I wanted to email my doctor today but slapped myself telling myself it takes time. There's been discussions in this cancer world as doctors meet, but unclear if I was the topic or some other soul ridding the same ride as me. If it is me then it sounds like an operation is going to be out of the question.  What does one do while holding this very scary information?  I know....she goes NUTS!!!!! OK Dawnelle stop it!!!!!!! Get a grip!!!! But wait what does it mean if one can't have the cancer surgical removed??? Will it NEVER be really gone?? Will radiation be enough?? Would I bleed out if they tried, because of the blood flow to these monsters?? Ok ok Dawnelle you're going to drive yourself to the funny farm and everyone around you. Put your headsets back on and get lost in your music.....but wait every song reminds you of someone, something or an adventure. Those memories then take you down a happy path but then it turns sad because you wonder....oh boy is this a vicious cycle.  Sure hope God understands I have reached that breaking point and supplies some clear answers tomorrow. I want my carefree happy attitude back.....ready to find my pixie dust and fly to Neverland to escape this madness!!!! Wait a second is pixie dust really a drug?? Hmmmmm I gotta think about that one. Distracted by Disney for the moment.

Biopsy Babble

I will attempt to describe what took place yesterday....Maria & I left work at noon and spent a few hours laughing and even touring our sister Cancer Partnership in Everett, which allowed us to put faces to names that we talk to daily on the phone. Not to mention gained a lot of fresh ideas to bring back to our hospital. And helped keep my mind off of what was coming. But then the time came and we checked in, went into the biopsy room...had a few more giggles and danced around in my gown. In came the doctor. Laid down with my neck hanging back as far as possible.  A stick and a burn on the left side. Ok hold on Dawnelle you can do it. First biopsy, I could feel when the needle entered the tumor and then he puts the needle up and down about 20 times. I could feel it being pulled right out of my body. Deep breath and I say One done right? Only 3 to go? And he says nope we gotta get a few on each mass. Ahhhhhhhhhh I wanted to get up and run away....I ended up having 14 sticks total between the 4 numbings and the 10 biopsies.....when we got to the right side I kept thinking I gotta stay brave and I can't let them know I am being a big baby because this has to get done. On my right side at my collar bone thru my muscle he went I wanted to scream. I made a few sounds and a few jokes and tensed my feet and held my breath. Finally we were done!!!!! The doctor tells us next we will be hearing from him next week and a consult with the surgeon to learn if my cancer is operative or not, due to location of the tumors and my scar tissue from my last cancer surgery.  Once that is decided then radiation treatment will be figured out. I then asked how much work am I going to miss? I got to grab onto something in my control. He hesitates to answer that....I say I know you don't have a magic ball. Just guess. He replies a week or two. I smile at that. Got enough PTO saved.  We next headed out to the car and I gave Maria my keys knowing I was in no shape to drive. I swallowed and I started feeling pressure on my throat.  I look in the mirror seeing a lump growing and say this doesn't feel right we better go back in. As we're walking back in my head is freaking out am I going to not be able to breathe in a second? Walk up to the desk and explain short and sweet what was happening.  The clerk's face showed pure horror. Guessing that's not normal. Doctor motions us right back. Ultrasound shows there's internal bleeding.  Put pressure on the mass and hang out for a bit. Still breathing......doctor asked if we were getting right back on the ferry. Explained we were heading to get our toes done. He says good idea. If it gets worse here's my pager number and go directly to the ER. So we had our tootsies & fingers beautified followed by one heck of an amazing Italian meal that was out of this world. I am so glad Maria came as she heard what I was unable to and translated what I was unclear on. I will forever be grateful! Thank you for supporting me Maria! Today I am hurting really good, unable to lift my right arm up and struggling with my neck muscles to lay up and down. Ken washed my hair with pure gentleness for me. I hate not being able to be the care taker. But am learning to lean with a soul of peace and not frustration.  ♥

Limbo land before the storm...

Limbo land before the storm....I want to know, wait I don't want to know, can we just pause time, but wait I NEED to know so I can plan. Tomorrow will get us one step closer to having a clear picture and creating a plan. It will take 5-7 days for the biopsies results.  Which will confirm if the doctor is correct. Then we move onto the CT scan which will give us what stage and if it has spread to my liver, lungs or bones. My head plays backwards as I try desperately to remember previous scans, I remember there being a questionable spot on my lung before I had Danny. And the mind games are really getting bad....My rewind button keeps playing over and over in my head the doctors words, "I think it's been growing for 18 years". While no one is saying it....I can see it in their eyes....this is bad!! Working in the department of Oncology, my peers know too much and I know are trying to protect me...but reality is setting in and I know it just might take me missing more then 2 days of work. I am a stubborn woman and hard on myself as I try to kick this gray cloud because truth is if it turns out worse then I imagine I will go out teaching my children about joy and happiness and making a gazillion good memories. If it turns out by the grace of God to have stayed contained in my neck I will count my blessings every day and make a difference in my patients lives with the deeper understanding of emotions that are tied to treatment,  tests & waiting. May my life serve a fabulous purpose no matter what!!!!! Those tears I released today were healing and good for my soul. My prayer tonight, "May God's will be done." Out of my control and placed in His hands....because I can't control this one.

A day of deep but good talks.

Today was an odd day! First it started with sleeping in, a trip to the nursing home, time spent with mother in law who just isn't happy right now as she wants me to change my answers to the answers she wants to hear, she even got pissy that Ken was buying berries at the farmers market we took her to, because she can't eat them, doesn't matter what we say or do if it's not exactly her way and then we re-live it all over again the next day as she doesn't remember or is she just hoping to get a different answer? After that we took her back to her place, then off to the Navy Exchange we went, getting evacuated due to a fire....never a dull moment.  I did feel sorry for the lady who was in the middle of getting her hair colored and had to stand outside hoping her hair would be ok. Off to the commissary we went. Walking thru the isle Ken says "if you die I don't think I'll ever re marry"....I just look at him and said "you're crazy!"....You so know I didn't let that drop for long. As I was driving us back home I say "seriously you know I would be ok if you remarried with one stipulation.....she has to be funny". Which lead into a really deep conversation about fears, wishes, dreams, wants, tears & laughter. I learned my husband has carried the fear of the cancer resurfacing for 18 years but never shared it because of my "I got this kicked attitude"...he is living in his nightmare right now. Breaks my heart!! We talked about how this all is affecting our children. It's so hard to plan for the worst and hope for the best when talking about how to deal with a 12 year old boy. I will smoother him with lots of love and prayers. Later in the day I ran some errands with our daughter.  What a great talk we had. I can't even begin to explain how much she has stepped up this last month. First if anyone knows Mary and her room you will be so proud to know why Ken & I were out she cleaned her room spotless, all on her own doing. She asked me today if I would write out all my recipes so she would always have them. She talked about how she will step up and help with her brother no matter what. She told me she is so thankful for how I raised her and I need to write out all of my parenting tricks because she said I did it all right. I told her she just needed to know "pick your battles, and don't be so over protective that your kids can't spread their wings and do bad things because they were told No too many times". Hearing her express her heart of gratitude for her childhood just was one heck of a special moment. She then asked where exactly I want my ashes spread because she wants to know my wishes. We concluded with wanting them spread at all our favorite places we've visited,  even Disneyland (which made us laugh...can one even do that?). Then she googled jewelry made from ashes....there really are some beautiful pieces. I am so glad my family brought these things out today....as I don't want to bog them down with my crazy jungle head thoughts....but honestly it felt good to know where they're really at right now.

Feeling loved beyond measures tonight! ♥

Don't judge me, please

So as I step back and try to put my normal happy self back into gear....I stop and ponder. 95% of my life I live upbeat and positive.  It's a very foreign feeling of being down, angry and working thru the battle. I know that it's easy to say "buck up", "stay positive", "don't borrow tomorrow's trouble", "don't go there" and so many more great sayings I have said myself over the years. However I look at it as my mind has a mind of its own. If you ask those around me you will still hear I am laughing at crazy things and living life fully. But in the quiet moments alone left to think is where I think: "will I die from this?", "what things do I need to write out for Ken to run the house & bills as I hold the passwords?", "what do I write in letters for my children to hold close to their hearts forever?" (But shouldn't I do that regardless as no one knows when their last breath will be?) "Will I lose my hair?", Mary already told me if so she is going bald with me....can you imagine that family photo., "how big will this battle be?", "Is that ache I'm feeling is because it's in my bones?" "WHY am I going there???" Everyday at work I watch patients fight for their lives and their strength & courage is amazing. I remember in 1995 being that "I am unbreakable" patient. Trying to find my way back to that mindset.  I think once the biopsies & scans are behind me it will be much easier as I can let the uncertainties of what 18 years has grown inside my science project of this body. But the reality of the possibilities of half my life in growth scares me to pieces....this has gotten way too real!! So I ask that you allow me to be weak during this hardest time of my life, and know I want everything to be glitter and laughter but it just isn't that way right now. Don't judge, just accept me for who I am right now. ♥