Show me your Polka-dot's please!

I can't stop thinking of Polka-dot's this week. I have had my weekend of getting life ready for everyone else and crying my eyes out in a very freeing release. I am ready to punch these Polka-dot's out of my life for life. My brain is like a messed up ball of yarn, my stomach is in knots, it's hard to focus. However, laughter and music are my safety net. Friends checking on me and placing a smile randomly throughout my days, nights and waiting for me to wake up to. What a blessing. Benefit of friends all over the world lol. I can't even begin to express how much this means to me. I wake up too many times through out the night, but love the love waiting on my phone. (I keep my alerts off always, so that's not what wakes me up.) I love my village! Just another reminder of how important you all are in my life.

That being said.....on Monday, Feb 29th I declare it to be Polka-dot day....celebrate, smile and flood my fb, instagram, texts with you in your Polka-dot's....socks, shirts, dresses, ties....whatever works for you as it's officially Dawnelle kick polka-dot day!!! ♡ Those asking what they can do for me.....this is my request. It will bring many smiles to my face. :)

My Wishes

My wishes....if the day comes and there is time my wish is to have a living funeral.  I ran across an article about this while driving to my grandmother's memorial.  Time is so hard to plan in the unknown. And emotions are all over the board right after someone dies. So the planner in me, thinks a living funeral screams Dawnelle.  You see I have always said my funeral will be a party. To celebrate my life, not mourn my death. And after reading of a way to be apart of my own party....I want this for myself and for those I love that when my time comes nothing is left unsaid or unanswered. My daughter has always said she will have bubbles and balloons there for me. She definitely knows what makes her mom smile. I don't want any question to go unanswered of what my wishes are. So I figured my blog can't get lost as easy as a piece of paper. I want laughter. I want smiles. I want a big party with everyone I love. I want memories for my children, husband, family & friends to keep them going. I have already asked my cousin Ryan to perform my service, when the time comes. A question I know he never wanted to hear. I may be a dreamer,  but I am also realistic. I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of not fully living. Life is one big giant adventure meant to explore. It's not always rainbows and glitter. But learning not to let the crap get you down and keep you there, is a sweet tool to acquire. So if it's possible to be apart of my celebration of life, I chose this. I want the song: You're Gonna Miss Me When I am Gone", "There Will Be a Day of no more suffering,  no more pain". Then after I am gone my wish is to have my family take a trip of a lifetime and spread a handful of my ashes in all of our favorite places we have been; canyon beach, smokey mountains in Tennessee, Victoria, big crater on Hawaii, ebey's on Whidbey Island and then to take the rest of me to some where new of their choosing and let me go. I write this today not to be sad, but to let you have my words for when they are needed. I figure if I put it here, someone will remember. Do I think I am dying tomorrow?  Nope, but there's about 100% chance I will at some point. I leave this here for then. The other thing I have always said is Ken can totally remarry with my blessing as long as she is funny, has big boobs and invests in our children with love....he rolls his eyes at me for this...but my wish is that he keeps living with lots of laughter and love in his life. ♡ Love with my whole heart,
Dawnelle Claudette Bowen Pike Conlisk

Deflated

Feeling like a balloon that was filled up with excitement and then released to deflate and land in the unknown.

The never ending journey.....trying to find my smile.

Yesterday I went and saw a new Ear, Nose & Throat Doctor. Thinking I was going there to get a plan for the 5 masses that are in my neck. March 2015 they found 1 mass, biopsied and it was positive for papillary thyroid cancer. So we did the alcohol abliation to it. Which didn't shrink it, it has only shifted in it's size....like it was running away from the alcohol. October 2015 the 1 mass was now 5 masses. We had to make sure the masses in my lungs were stable, as this would dictate how we treated. Thankfully my lungs have remained stable. So now it's time to address my neck. But a detour came as they thought I had a blockage or cancer in my bile duct. Turns out I don't. I just have fat. Oh the laughter in release of holding my breath and fat jokes. But yesterday took my laughter away. I was told I should be thankful I have gotten almost 21 years now after diagnosed. Which in my head transferred to at least you have gotten 21 years.....what I am supposed to celebrate that at least I have 21 extra years and not to get greedy? I want more, I want to stop putting my family through this hell. I want to be normal, I don't want to wonder if I will have another 21 years of this up and down battle. I had a scope shoved down my nose on both sides and down into my throat. Good news no masses inside my throat. Bad news he doesn't know why I keep getting food and pills stuck in the bottom of my throat. Other then that's where one of the 5 masses are. But I am breathing ok. Next step is for my endocrinologist to do another biopsy either on just the one in my throat or all 4 new masses since October. 2 are along my throat and the other 2 are under my shoulder blade. If the one on my throat comes back positive with cancer, none of the treatments are good choices. Alcohol abliation, which that close to my vocal cord could paralyze my voice. But if we let the mass grow I could lose my voice anyways. Another surgery they are trying not to do, as the more I have the riskier they get. I-131 radiation treatment I have maxed out on. External beam radiation is a long daily treatment that would make another surgery really difficult due to the scar tissue it causes. I already knew all of this before I went yesterday. I actually believed I was going in to hear a plan. Instead I left with a confirmation that I am in the middle of a pickle. I left there mad, pissed and frustrated. We are going on 2.5 years now of this battle that has no quick fixes anymore. I want my life back. I want to wake up not worrying about when things hurt or every little bump I feel be something new that I need to worry about. I want to talk about fun stuff not how I am doing/feeling today. And yet I feel like this has gone on so long that I no longer know what kind of support I even need anymore. I feel hurt when I am not asked/supported by those I am the closest with. And yet I don't want them to even talk about it as I am doing my best to keep life "normal". There are days I cry by myself as I run and hide. Most days when on stage you will see me laughing and joking. For it is my mask. My emotions are all over the board. Today I saw a quote that said to dance in the storm and you'll be stronger on the other side. Is there another side of this storm.....starting to think not in my lifetime. If you read this to the end then I know you must really love me. Even the broken me. -feeling jumbled.

We have a choice

Thursday was unreal. I was on the bus going South on the island to fetch the ferry for my cancer check up. I gave myself extra time to enjoy the day and have lunch before my appointment time. We came up on the point of the island where it truly is the only road. Right in front of us is a head on collision and the cars are bouncing back apart. A 20 year old female hits a 72 and 90 year old couple and their dog. The 20 year old didn't make it. It was horrible watching this play out. I end up asking a stranger for a ride back to my work where I had left my car, after knowing it was gonna be another 3 hours before the road opened. I get to my car and head north off the island to head south on I-5 to get to my appointment. My GPS says I will be there 15 min early. Then I-5 comes to a stand still. I look up and see 2 helicopters, then I look at the empty north bound lanes and a fire truck goes flying by going south on the north side. I wonder if we have another fire. Come up on another horrible accident. Counted 7 cars....turns out a 19 year got distracted by her dog in the car, was going south but crossed the medium into north bound traffic head on. She survived but killed a man. 

I ended up arriving at my appointment with only 1 minute to spare, at this point I had only had a coffee and a pop tart to eat all day. But I survived the drive. My appointment turned out like I had already figured out from my lab work. My tumor markers are elevated....so once again I jump on the crazy ride....this is getting worse then my first ride on the colloses at magic mountain that I was dragged on to. But in this instance I have a choice of getting on the ride or just watching from the sidelines. After my adventure just to get to the appointment my view has changed. I am still breathing, and I choose to just keep living happy. I keep getting my pills and food stuck at the bottom of my throat. We know there's a new mass there....and we know I have a confirmed cancer mass on the right side of my neck, that failed treatment.  So the next step is an ultrasound to check these two and see if there's any more. I am at the point where another surgery is so dangerous. Even though my surgeon has been called a cow boy. External beam radiation would make another surgery almost impossible if needed, and I-131 radiation would put me at serious risk for lymphoma and leukemia. So all these options are in my back pocket for emergency use only. So basically I am in a pickle. I am starting up on more meds to see if the blockage is from a silent acid reflux before having another tube shoved down my throat. And yet the doc is still concerned about the lung spots too. So this month once insurance approves I will have an ultrasound. In December in will have another CT of my lungs. But we can't do anything until the masses grow bigger then 10 mm. So basically at the end of the day I am choosing to just be living with cancer and ignore it to the best of my ability. Because clearly at this 2 year point since my last surgery I am still in the same place of the unknown. But isn't everyone's life unknown? Makes me really no different. I ended my day with a little retail therapy, time to myself and arrived home at 9 pm. Just really thankful and grateful for what life has brought me. Now to have another motorcycle adventure and some fun today. 

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE smartphone

Finally after 3 weeks of battle

It has been an insurance battle I have never seen....and I have fought with insurance for over 16 years now for work. Just got the call.....my sleep study is finally scheduled for September 20th. Could be earlier if someone cancels. But just the simple act of having it scheduled, makes a difference in my head. We're going down the list of trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Sleep Apnea would be a welcome blessing vs. anything else. But like everything in my crazy medical journey.....I can't seem to fit into the "normal box". I am getting so tired of this constant fight. There are no plans at this time for what we are going to do about the cancer mass in my neck. That really leaves so many questions that I have no answers for. This week while being off of work I am trying my best to reroute my thinking.....for some reason God has not given me the miracle of clean health. I know there's still so much more I need to learn. I have prayed my whole journey for His will, not mine. Not once have I actually asked Him to cure me. At times I don't feel like I deserve His touch. Why do I doubt His gift is for all of us? I am human, full of doubt of myself, like I have to earn His healing touch. How has society taught us we're never good enough? All those Bible stories growing up play in my head. God is Love. I have prayed for God to use my journey to help others. So does that mean that God has answered my prayers? Working on the depths of my soul and finding peace, joy & love along the way. ♡

Answers......my plan not His...not exactly....His plan, not mine.

What a week! I am so impressed with my son's track season. He needed that in his life! Great coaches, great teammates & great competition. Was so wonderful to have 8 weeks of positive flood our lives.

I am currently on my way down the island on the bus, catching the ferry and then getting picked up on the motorcycle from Ken. I am not the best of company right now, as tears keep escaping down my cheeks. I don't like others seeing that side. So I am actually thankful for this time to process alone. Head phones on and letting music flood my heart.

On Monday my let's check and see if this treatment worked ultrasound happened, as well as the let's peekaboo at those lung spots, and the let's check your blood and read your life test. So on Tuesday, I gathered all of the results to take them today to my follow up. So you know I read them....how could I not? Definitely deserve some kind of life degree....lol I am blessed to share my office with some amazing oncologist, whom are not officially my doctors, but have helped me process this time for sure. On Tuesday, our doc made me laugh and said I should go back to school and become a doctor because my understanding is there. I hope I understand some of this after a 20 year battle. What I read is my tumor where the abliation was done didn't shrink, it shifted in size. Guess it tried to run but was blocked. I also have a new mass on near my vocal cord. My Lung spot has grown. As well as my labs are elevated.
Yesterday I received a copy of the letter my doctor wrote on my behalf for my appeal. Right now they have made $277 my responsibility. But I did an appeal on my own behalf. Praying it worked. However, in the letter my diagnose has changed. But seeing it in print from my doctor hit hard. I am no longer categorized as papillary thyroid cancer. Which deep down I knew but seeing it from him, hit me hard. I am now metastatic papillary thyroid cancer. That M word hurts more then the C word. I can't really put it into words. Other then it SUCKS! When ever cancer leaves its primary it becomes metastatic.  However all this time I had my brain convinced that I just had leftover thyroid tissue in there. Brain games at its finest.

If I had to guess what today's appointment will hold. I would say maybe another biopsy on the new mass. But the new treatment failed....maybe the oral chemo pill.....we're about to find out if I am right. What I do know is I am certain I will refuse radiation or even external beam radiation. Not worth the doors both of those would totally close for me.

But first a motorcycle ride and a lunch picnic with my honey.

Doctor appointment done....

So here's what the plan is....referral to a pulmonary specialist. Pulmonary function testing ahead. And having a lung doc add his input on these lung spots. Pending those results.....we will meet again and discuss oral chemo pills. As far as my neck tumor, we will not be doing any more abliation treatments. The outcome wasn't what we had hoped for. We will keep the neck mass in a hold pattern until the lungs are figured out. Praying the neck injection scarred it just enough to help it from growing.

It was mighty hard to admit symptoms I have been trying to ignore. And listening to my husband rat me out to the doc. Ken's words "She's not functioning on all cylinders. When she doesn't seem right I take over driving. She's not sleeping good, like she used to."

I thought I was superwoman and could just do it all. Reality is I can't. So now we start the referral process and insurance authorization. I am going to do my very best to just live in the moment. But I will be honest and say this is not an easy one.

So we end the day with no new answers, but the start of a plan.

It's almost time

It's finally time to find out if my treatment worked or not. On Monday I will be having an ultrasound on my neck, blood work, as well as a CT of my lungs and their polkadots. The neck ultrasound will be measuring my known cancer mass. The goal was that the alcohol shrunk it's size. While it doesn't make it fully go away, if we shrunk the slow growing cancer we will repeat ablation in 2 years. If it shrunk only a little then we inject again soon. If it didn't shrink at all, then we talk surgery again. As far as my lungs, if the masses have grown in the last 2 years...well honestly I don't know what the plan is with them anymore. 2 years ago they talked about external beam radiation. I would assume that if they have only grown a little that we would just keep watching them. The rate of growth vs the exposure to treatment... So yeah let's not go there until we have to. How am I really doing? I try and put on a mask every day. I don't really know how well I have successfully pulled off my disguise. My body is screaming with exhaustion. But I have mentally made the choice to just keep swimming. One step at a time. I have really enjoyed working less and sitting in the stands cheering on my son....what perfect timing and excitement. So my plan is to piggyback on to his winnings this Monday...his goal is to win the mile again, and mine is to win my scans. My selfish prayer is that my energy comes back soon...but my heart prayer is still that God's will be done and that I keep my brain from the yucky train all weekend long. Something shifts once you actual have your tests scheduled. Which just happened yesterday. Tonight is Relay for Life and this year will be extra special as my Mom, Ken, Mary and Danny will all be there with me. Such an amazing celebration that I am looking forward to. There's something pretty amazing being a fighter, survivor and embracing patients of present and past, and extra special hugs when you come around the corner and embrace a family member of patients we lost too soon. Oh my heart is so warm and fuzzy. ♡

Heading to get my ruby slippers...

Saying someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse is just like saying someone can't be happy because someone else might have it better.

This past month I have let cancer win. It felt at times that I wasn't allowed to embrace my own journey. I have watched others fighting, dying and getting diagnosed these past 2 months with worse cancers then my "good cancer". Is there really such a thing as a "good cancer"?  Those words have taken a giant toll on me.  For 20 years now I have fought to push thru thyroid fog brain, staying positive and full of life, fighting being exhausted and wanting to always take a nap, and just being cold. That is my norm. But we all have issues and I choose to not let it keep me captive. I have been really short fused and grouchy. I apologize for being snappy. But the quote above really hit me. It's ok that I am sad....and it's ok that I embrace my fears. Because I have to process my journey too. Having a scheduled plan has always been my turning point. I can best describe it as that moment after a storm when the clouds open and the sun starts shinning. I am nervous as there's so little documentation on my procedure ahead. But I am willing to try it because this could be a giant change if it's successful in the world of treating thyroid cancer. Only one day off of work. And if for any reason it doesn't work, there's always surgery. Really looking forward and praying I can watch the screen as the nasty beast melts away just like the wicked witch. Gonna get some ruby slippers! Sparkle time!  #strengthhopelove

Numb & Sorry to take you on this ugly adventure again.

I am numb and frankly mad! As I watch my family around me breaking worse then I have seen yet. We were just getting to the point of starting to actually put our dreams on paper for the future. How do you act like everything is normal and ok? While I knew the doctor thought my cancer was back, hearing it actually confirmed had to be one of the worst moments yet. It doesn't get easier time after time.....it gets worse and you wonder if this will ever go away. It feels like a monster is smashing my parade. I have learned a few things in the past few days....the new chemo pill won't ever cure me. It only slows the cancer down with all the nasty chemo side affects. So they lied when they said thyroid cancer is the good cancer to get. Yes it's slow growing, but that slow growing is what makes the chemo not kill it. Right now I am in the waiting pattern for a referral & insurance approval to find out if I am a candidate for alcohol ablation therapy. The ground has swirled up into dust around me and I am having a hard time processing. I am exhausted, my stomach is nauseous, after a few bites I am done eating....trying to push thru. Getting lost in work to try and keep my mind busy. Holding tight onto all of you right now. Every sweet word, hug & laughter really makes a difference. Thank you! ♡

My mother n law will be in the hospital for a bit....today she said she felt like she was on a vacation. Pampered and a beautiful view to boot and a whole ton of attention from multiple phone calls from her family. She is still going thru more testing. Ken stopped on his way home from work tonight to see her. She was weak but smiling.

It's odd to look backwards over these last 4 years since moving to Whidbey....life after the military has definitely not been boring. Is it wrong to pray for some boring times ahead?

Putting my battle gear back on.

Wow in the last two weeks I first heard no surgery,  no cancer. Then yesterday, I hear "Oh no, let's talk about treatment.  Dawnelle, you know this is your new normal and we'll fight it for the rest of your life spot by spot." What the heck just happened???? Yesterday I went in to my endocrinologist and with me I took all my images, reports & labs. And I told my doctor I was confused and that it didn't all add up. He did another ultrasound then and there on the large mass that I had already been told was an infection or clogged saliva gland. He agreed, he went to put the wand away and I spoke up and said what about the smaller one on the other side that had the blood flow to it (those rainbows I saw last month that made me more nervous). (Side note: infections don't have blood flow like tumors do. Blood flow is what feeds the beast.) So he scanned the other side. He was training a student yesterday as well so he was talking thru the whole procedure as a teacher too. Next thing I hear as I could no longer see the screen from my position was, "oh no, let's go talk about treatment." He sat me down (yes, I was alone again.  Ken and I made that choice because we thought it was just a normal follow up. We had just been told I was clear 2 weeks prior.). He then talked about the fact I had already had 4 neck surgeries and we needed to try something less evasive. Dawnelle you know deep down this is how the rest of your life will be. We will fight it one spot at a time. First step is a biopsy to confirm his thoughts based on shape he believes the cancer beast is present. A neck biopsy to me is worse then surgery.  It hurts so bad. They put a needle into the mass and basically go up and down multiple times to get some out to test. Usually in 4 different spots of the mass. YUCK! My doctor will be performing this procedure on my son's birthday,  February 12th. It was his first opening and Danny will be in school anyways.  :) Ken will be going with me. Pending results & insurance approval he wants to do ablation therapy. Which is where they go in with imaging and place a needle directly into the mass, inject some kind of alcohol liquid that will burn it. Go back a few days/weeks later image again, inject again until it's gone. Side effect: if the liquid leaks out of the mass I will have a horrible burn on the inside of my body. Thankful how far studies have come and for options. Another option is a chemo pill, but because of side effects he doesn't want to go there yet. And we all know radiation is out of the question. How did I get 2 different answers?  Well a CT doesn't show the same as an ultrasound.  But I also never asked the surgeon about the other spot. Down side of multiple facilities doing testing.  We were focused on the big mass we could all see from the outside.  Hopefully this answers all the questions.  Now how is my head & heart? I am holding on tight to the doctors words of him saying it's not an aggressive cancer. I am lacing my boxing gloves up again and tattooing a smile back on my face. Yes it sucks but my attitude is the only thing in my control, clearly.  Thank you for loving me and riding this roller-coaster nuttiness with me. Good grief Charlie Brown!!! 

Living with Cancer, not dying from Cancer

I have been quiet for a while as I was going thru a battle getting my old scan images from Virginia Beach. Now they sent them 4 times, some how never getting to the right place.  The 4th time I had them mailed directly to me. Like a dummy I handed the CD'S over to my doctors office with a promise they'd be mailed back to me. A month goes by and I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about those CD'S I never got back. Contacted my docs office and no one knows what happened to them and they were never down loaded or reviewed with the new scans. Needless to say I wasn't exactly thrilled at this. So with my tail between my legs I contacted Virginia Beach AGAIN.....this time I received my CD'S AND the print outs of the report's.  Which all became a blessing as now we have measurements.  Because my scans from 2005 & 2006 were not normal,  as we were told back then. Who knows why! Thank God my cancer is super slow growing.  It was interesting to say the least to read about the mass that almost caused me to lose my voice. Because in 2005 it was noticed. The spots in my lungs were also noticed,  but were smaller. So with all this old but new information we are able to see that in 9 years my Lung masses have only grown 3 mm. What does this mean? It means I am living with cancer, and will for the rest of my life. The location's of my "poka dots" are smack in the middle of my lungs, which means no biopsy or surgery can be done. My radiation days are in my past, I can't have any more without giant risks. Just not worth it! My thyroid medication is double of what I used to take, and my body has accepted it without heart palpitations. Which is fantastic because the medication should keep the cancer from growing too much. 3 mm in 9 years isn't too bad. My doctor believes the poka dots in my lungs are the thyroid cancer, which we know by blood tests that it's still alive in me. It's taken me a bit of time to process and wrap my head around this information. I look at it as I have two choices: 1. I can be living, not stress over what I can't control.  Or 2. I can be dying (which we all are, if you think about it). And get lost in a land of depression.  We all have these 2 choices in life. I don't write this for pity or sympathy,  but for those who want to know where this cancer road has taken me. My next blood work is December 2014 and another scan in July 2015. I just passed my 1st cancer birthday yesterday 19 years. Something to celebrate for sure!! My second cancer birthday is in 2 months.....something mighty special about that! Hugs and thankfulness for all the love and support you all have shown. ♡

Different makes a difference!

For 10 days now I have been on "vacation". What is the purpose of a vacation? I would guess the whole point is to unwind and relax so that you can get right back at life and function. We have lived all over the country and because of that we have vacationed in many different amazing places. This week I have learned it's not so much the destination or the amount of money you spend (which sometimes turns vacation into stress). We were supposed to go to Vegas for a week. However after talking it thru with the kids and Ken, no one was excited to go. So we changed all of our plans. Ken only took 3 days off, however I kept my 11 day stretch off. It's been 2.5 years since my back surgery and time to me to get thru my craft crap. I am surprised Ken hasn't thrown it all out by now. Now you may say that's not a vacation,  however let's go back to the definition.....by getting threw this mess I am releasing ongoing stress and arguments in my future. Besides it's kinda like Christmas and unwrapping gifts. Oh the things I forgot I had. Finding purpose or getting rid of "stuff" is more freeing then laying on the beach. I would have never said that ten years ago. On Wednesday we left for 3 days to stay at a house on the beach on the Washington coast.....the kids ignored their electronic's and we played board games, walked the beach, found a kite and flew it with a broomstick handle, laughed, watched some movies and laughed together. What a fabulous bonding time. Last night as we waited for the ferry we started watching Fireproof, that giant phone of mine came in handy. This morning we finished the movie. What a great reminder of why one should always date their spouse and constantly study them as well. It really summarized why I am doing so much around the house on vacation.  Not because boxes bug me, but because it's important to Ken.  Love that we did vacation different and boy am I actually very relaxed at the end of this "vacation". Guess all those times of saying "it's the little things" really does matter.  So here's to today and tomorrow to finish this giant project. Live, Laugh & Love thru even the boxes. Release the baggage!  ♥ 

The Details

What a journey of emotions I walked today. As I woke up this morning I had a song in my heart. Fully knowing I was not alone. As I got Danny up to get ready for school, my sweet boy was ready to puke. The love my boy has for me melts my heart. I am sorry he had to go threw the fear and knowing he couldn't touch me after I consumed the radiation affected him deeply. I allowed him to stay home from school. Off to catch the ferry I went alone (by choice). After I boarded the ferry I started surfing Facebook where I learned the horrible news that my hospital roomie who finally went home yesterday,  since our surgeries on September 19th, passed away in her sleep. She give it such a mighty fight!! She was such a strong strong lady! I lost count to how many surgeries she ended up having but 16 is in my head. I don't understand why, we had the same surgeon and the same fight. Cancer is such a nasty beast!! As I rode the ferry I cried for my friend. Then I had a new sense of I gotta kick this cancer in the face for both Lyn & I!! I laid in the scan with my Pandora Laura Story music for 49 minutes.....as the scan moved downward they had the monitor facing down at me...the images were blank...nothing was lighting up. My song Blessings filled the room at top volume and I was filled with Peace. Of course the tech's couldn't give me the results but by then we had swapped stories of our jobs. I had the same tech as I did yesterday who witnessed me hugging a patient in the hall. She thought I worked there...lol Sometimes reading between the lines gets one a smile with knowing information. I next went to my doctors office and asked for the results. Yes I was that patient without the appointment,  but I wanted to know if I could eat. I was nice about it and friendly but the clerk was a grouchy pants with an gray cloud attitude.  I told her I would wait, her response we'll the nurses go to lunch in 45 min you may have to wait tell 1:00 when they get back. I said no prob I will wait. Then she proceeded to make snide nasty comments about me as I sat there. So not OK! I held my tongue but not my finger as I email back and forth with my MD so I figured I would email him as I sat there listening to Debbie Downer....not 5 minutes later his MA came out and got me and my MD was waiting for me with my results. Such a giant reminder for all my medical friends and that we don't know the whole picture of any of our patients days and to watch our attitudes and tongues. And not to sit at our desks and complain about things our patients so don't take for granted. (Off my soap box now) My doctors words are still a shock to me......there wasn't any radiation uptake anywhere.  My lungs are clear, my neck is clear of thyroid cancer. This summer I will have a CT scan to check my lungs and make sure whatever it is in there doesn't grow. On Sunday as I stood in church singing at the top of my lungs I had this pain in my lung that I can only describe as a feeling of something climbing out of my chest, directly followed by a complete feeling of peace. I honestly expected there to be some uptake in my neck and fully intended to not treat if my lungs were clear. In the simple words of my son tonight....."Mom, you are very blessed!" Feeling very blessed and even taking tomorrow off from work to just embrace life!! ♥

Crying over Food

Did I really just cry over food? Man who am I? I have been mostly living on oatmeal, granola, fruit & coconut milk. Safe to say I'd be surprised if I am even consuming 600 calories a day. Tonight I came home cut up some veggies to go with my special Indian rice and went to grab the sodium free turkey to add to my concoction and the turkey was MIA. So I call Ken at work and he & Mary ate it....I totally busted out in tears. How wrong of me to get so emotional over food. I was so let down because I was excited to just have food. Needless to say I had already cut up mushrooms & celery.  So I took 4 egg whites cooked them up. Took 1/2 stick of unsalted butter melted it in the wok, added veggies, NON-iodized salt, pepper, rice and cut up egg whites....fried it up. Funny is it turned out so yummy I ate 2 bowls. Then I felt foolish for crying over missing food. Trying to look for positive.....so I will focus on the fact I am now more then half way...I am down 8 pounds in a week and my new pants are falling off and so is my wedding ring. I grabbed my daughter's winter coat out of the closet this morning and zipping up a size small toasty warm coat did make me grin. I am finding it harder to stay focused and put my headsets on my ears at work to keep me from getting distracted.  But SQUIRREL's sure like to jump at me. ;)

Snappy pants

I have spent my weekend sleeping a whole lot. Sleeping in AND naps. Tried to shop after going to the Vet and I was done 20 minutes into it. I just wanted to go home. I did make it to second service at church but didn't have the strength to stand and sing. Funny how much strength we really do get from the food we eat. I am not even half way thru my special radiation diet and I have been forced to face that I really do have a disease. Up until now I haven't really thought about what does cancer look like. Sure we all see people who have lost their hair as they under go treatment, but there's not always a solid image that screams cancer. Cancer can be silent with no image to display.  Which in some ways really makes it easy to live in denial.  My favorite place to live for sure....because when living there it's like living at Disneyland. My brain is not operating fully and at times it takes me a second. Maybe it's safe to say my brain has turned into oatmeal....because I sure have been living on oatmeal.  12 days until my scan....hmmmm kinda like the 12 days of Christmas. Let's see on the 12th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal. On the 11th day of prep my true love gave to me a poached egg white. On the 10th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal. On the 9th day of prep my true love gave to me an avocado with no salt tortilla chips. On the 8th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 7th day of prep my true love gave to me 5oz of chicken, no salt of course. On the 6th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 5th day of prep my true love gave to me homemade granola.  On the 4th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 3rd day of prep my true love gave to me special rice & turkey. On the 2nd day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the last day of prep my true love gave to me one last freakin bowl of oatmeal. It's safe to say life is rather interesting right now as I try and cook for the family and for me. They are being so good about trying to help and not complain.  I am trying not to be grouchy pants but I love food and being told I can't makes me grouchy. So if I get snappy at you, please don't take anything I say right now too personal.  ♥

Thankfulness

With Thanksgiving approaching I am trying to focus on what to be thankful for, even though I could seriously get lost in the world of doubt. On Thanksgiving my no sodium diet begins....I had no clue how much sodium is in everything...reading labels is rather frightening.  Do you know there's even sodium in shampoo & body washes? I keep reminding myself to be thankful that this diet is for only 2 weeks and not a lifetime allergy. Days of quick foods & mochas will be temporarily gone....and planning ahead will be vital. Attitude is everything,  right?? I joke at work as right now I am that patient who is living in her denial stage. My plan is to have my scan on Dec. 12th and for the 2 spots in my lungs NOT to light up and scream hello, I am your thyroid cancers sister. And then I can cancell my radiation treatment on Friday and just have 6 month check ups to monitor that nothing is growing.  Because I will choose not to treat the remaining thyroid tissue. The risk for lymphoma & leukemia just isn't worth it. I know I know we don't know how this will all turn out....but a girl can dream and besides I still believe in miracles! Wouldn't it be amazing to walk out of my scan with not one little light up and to be completely cancer free?? I believe this is possible and pray for God's will! (Even if His plan is different then mine.)

So as Thanksgiving approaches I have so much thankfulness in my heart....Thankful for my 3rd chance at life, my family, my friends, my love of cooking, laughter, happiness and even trials. Life isn't always easy....but I am pretty sure if it was I would miss out on being thankful.

♥

Crazy head beware

It's been a while since I have blogged....mostly because I have been trying to figure out what to do and it's one jumbled mess. But the clock is ticking and a decision needs to be made. This Thursday Ken & I will be meeting with my Endocrinologist for 40 minutes to plan my life. I have no clear answer in my gut that I am leaning towards. The treatment the doc is leaning towards is haunting my head. Radioactive Iodine treatment as I research more and more and get insight from a thyroid support group I get more frustrated.  But the deeper side is the two diseases of leukemia & lymphoma that it will put me at risk for has names & faces of patients that have touched my life as those diseases took them away. I am really struggling with this part. I don't want my children to have to watch those diseases if I can prevent it....not to mention it clearly hasn't worked the first or even second time....why would the third be any different?  If I was forced to choose today my plan I honestly would say I choose to do nothing.  But I will go in with an open mind and ask a lot of questions and finally get to learn about the 2 spots on my lungs as per his email is on our agenda. 

I do have to say I am sorry for pulling away from everyone.  I am in survival mode right now and trying to keep you all protected from this crazy madwoman head of mine. It's a good thing there's not a way for our thoughts to be seen. Just know I still love you all bunches.

Right before....

So as time has moved forward and as I have not taken any heavy pain meds for 3 days now my brain is no longer foggy and I have been able to learn more about surgery day. This morning Ken & I were talking about our brief meeting with the surgeon just prior to me going back. I had decided that I was ok with leaving the tumor if it meant keeping my arm. If given a choice I wanted to keep living the way I knew how, fully. The surgeon said the loss of my arm was his biggest concern as well. But leaving the tumor just wasn't an option. I said, "alrighty then let's get this party started!" I was never afraid and truly was at peace with life. Living up to my saying that I am not allowed to stress over something that I have no power to change. When looking life in the eyes I knew no matter where this adventure was about to go that I'd face it all head on. Ken explained that exact moment as the scariest in his whole life. I am really thankful I wasn't looking at him during that talk as he was behind me. I am so glad my army was able to distract him for the next hour. I am in amazement by God's presence & power to go before and to have such a clear direction and for the tumors to be able to be pealed away WITHOUT cutting my nerves. God is good and I truly give Him the glory. I feel like I was given a third chance at life. My strength is almost completely back. I get exhausted pretty easy and my voice starts to fad if I talk too long. But I can't stop smiling.  Life is good. I pray radiation in November will just be a crazy appointment I gotta go to and that I will continue to work even during. Because I can't stop having a purpose or that means I have given up. There will be time for rest if I need it, and I will listen to my body, not to mention I have this team of medical staff that will not let me push too far. I can't imagine being in a more beautiful spot right now. Life is good my friends.....live it fully with lots of laughter! !♥

Back to myself

Today has been 8 days since green globe was surgically removed. Today was the first day where I didn't take any heavy pain meds. Just motrin, calcium & vitamin D. But today is the first day I can remember the whole day. I only took 1 nap today. I was able to paint my nails and shave my legs.  I was singing praises thru both these procedures.  So beyond gratefulness!  Had 4 visitors today and the plumber (who actually was someone I have gone fishing with....lol small island). It was good to "feel" almost normal.  I go next Wednesday for my post op check. I am very swollen today and as my friend reminded me.....no matter how swollen cancer free is sexy!! I will keep reminding myself of that. Obviously the surgery went amazing. I can't believe it only took 1 hour!! 10 tumors GONE and the one on my vocal cord plus the one on my nerve for my left arm peeled off like an onion. Thank you God for this miracle you blessed me with. As I woke up from the surgery I remember the very first thing I did was lift my left arm up and then a sweet nurse was there and I said "hello" at this exact moment I knew I was great! Then I asked for ice chips and let them do their thing.  What amazing care I was given. Thank you my friends for praying me thru this last week. I really am feeling great and no pain meds is making my head clear again.  Life is almost back to normal,  my kids are smiling & laughing. Another week off with my mom here....hope to gain some energy so we can have some fun. She has been busy sewing while I sleep. I just love how my mom stopped everything to be here for me and my family.  She is a gem!! ♥♥♥ Radiation will begin in November but until then life will be back to living.

Today

Well here we are the day of surgery. I am wide awake because my internal alarm clock says its time to get up for work. How I wish today was a normal day and I was getting up to go to my job that I love. I enjoy every minute of helping others. I have learned to stop saying "that's ok, I don't need anything. " And am now saying,  "I'm not going to tell you no, you do what you need to ." It took me a very long time to get to being able to accept help and figure out people are doing it because they care and need to for themselves.  Seems like such a simple concept,  but so hard for this stubborn lady. I am so much better at giving then receiving.  There's a party today that I really wish I didn't have to sleep thru....my heart is so touched with love as part of my Army will physically be with me today at the hospital. My husband, son, daughter,  mother, Great Aunt, Great Uncle, my girlfriend from jr high/sr high & Kenny (our friend who is responsible for Ken & I ever meeting). With more of my Army coming thru out my stay.....my best friend,  nurse friends, my old boss & co-worker/amazing friend. I can't even begin to describe how this touches the depth of my heart. Thru life at times it's easy to wonder who would really be there in your time of need. Let me tell you learning this answer for real blows my socks off. I have no room at all to ever wonder that question.  I am covered in so much prayers & love that it's better then pixie dust and I honestly can fly. I am not nervous this morning,  not even a slight tummy ache. I know who goes before me and who carries me. My faith has grown stronger, my love for life is more intense,  my friendships have proven their depths....I am truly blessed. No matter todays outcome I will still be smiling.  I have erased the words "I can't! " and my heart is ready to push thru any obstacle thrown at me.....because I will only fail if I don't try. Thank you for being my Army or maybe I should say Thank you for being my Navy....lol Navy Strong my friends Navy Strong!  Thank you for having my back! I love you!!♥