Deflated

Feeling like a balloon that was filled up with excitement and then released to deflate and land in the unknown.

The never ending journey.....trying to find my smile.

Yesterday I went and saw a new Ear, Nose & Throat Doctor. Thinking I was going there to get a plan for the 5 masses that are in my neck. March 2015 they found 1 mass, biopsied and it was positive for papillary thyroid cancer. So we did the alcohol abliation to it. Which didn't shrink it, it has only shifted in it's size....like it was running away from the alcohol. October 2015 the 1 mass was now 5 masses. We had to make sure the masses in my lungs were stable, as this would dictate how we treated. Thankfully my lungs have remained stable. So now it's time to address my neck. But a detour came as they thought I had a blockage or cancer in my bile duct. Turns out I don't. I just have fat. Oh the laughter in release of holding my breath and fat jokes. But yesterday took my laughter away. I was told I should be thankful I have gotten almost 21 years now after diagnosed. Which in my head transferred to at least you have gotten 21 years.....what I am supposed to celebrate that at least I have 21 extra years and not to get greedy? I want more, I want to stop putting my family through this hell. I want to be normal, I don't want to wonder if I will have another 21 years of this up and down battle. I had a scope shoved down my nose on both sides and down into my throat. Good news no masses inside my throat. Bad news he doesn't know why I keep getting food and pills stuck in the bottom of my throat. Other then that's where one of the 5 masses are. But I am breathing ok. Next step is for my endocrinologist to do another biopsy either on just the one in my throat or all 4 new masses since October. 2 are along my throat and the other 2 are under my shoulder blade. If the one on my throat comes back positive with cancer, none of the treatments are good choices. Alcohol abliation, which that close to my vocal cord could paralyze my voice. But if we let the mass grow I could lose my voice anyways. Another surgery they are trying not to do, as the more I have the riskier they get. I-131 radiation treatment I have maxed out on. External beam radiation is a long daily treatment that would make another surgery really difficult due to the scar tissue it causes. I already knew all of this before I went yesterday. I actually believed I was going in to hear a plan. Instead I left with a confirmation that I am in the middle of a pickle. I left there mad, pissed and frustrated. We are going on 2.5 years now of this battle that has no quick fixes anymore. I want my life back. I want to wake up not worrying about when things hurt or every little bump I feel be something new that I need to worry about. I want to talk about fun stuff not how I am doing/feeling today. And yet I feel like this has gone on so long that I no longer know what kind of support I even need anymore. I feel hurt when I am not asked/supported by those I am the closest with. And yet I don't want them to even talk about it as I am doing my best to keep life "normal". There are days I cry by myself as I run and hide. Most days when on stage you will see me laughing and joking. For it is my mask. My emotions are all over the board. Today I saw a quote that said to dance in the storm and you'll be stronger on the other side. Is there another side of this storm.....starting to think not in my lifetime. If you read this to the end then I know you must really love me. Even the broken me. -feeling jumbled.