Right before....

So as time has moved forward and as I have not taken any heavy pain meds for 3 days now my brain is no longer foggy and I have been able to learn more about surgery day. This morning Ken & I were talking about our brief meeting with the surgeon just prior to me going back. I had decided that I was ok with leaving the tumor if it meant keeping my arm. If given a choice I wanted to keep living the way I knew how, fully. The surgeon said the loss of my arm was his biggest concern as well. But leaving the tumor just wasn't an option. I said, "alrighty then let's get this party started!" I was never afraid and truly was at peace with life. Living up to my saying that I am not allowed to stress over something that I have no power to change. When looking life in the eyes I knew no matter where this adventure was about to go that I'd face it all head on. Ken explained that exact moment as the scariest in his whole life. I am really thankful I wasn't looking at him during that talk as he was behind me. I am so glad my army was able to distract him for the next hour. I am in amazement by God's presence & power to go before and to have such a clear direction and for the tumors to be able to be pealed away WITHOUT cutting my nerves. God is good and I truly give Him the glory. I feel like I was given a third chance at life. My strength is almost completely back. I get exhausted pretty easy and my voice starts to fad if I talk too long. But I can't stop smiling.  Life is good. I pray radiation in November will just be a crazy appointment I gotta go to and that I will continue to work even during. Because I can't stop having a purpose or that means I have given up. There will be time for rest if I need it, and I will listen to my body, not to mention I have this team of medical staff that will not let me push too far. I can't imagine being in a more beautiful spot right now. Life is good my friends.....live it fully with lots of laughter! !♥

Back to myself

Today has been 8 days since green globe was surgically removed. Today was the first day where I didn't take any heavy pain meds. Just motrin, calcium & vitamin D. But today is the first day I can remember the whole day. I only took 1 nap today. I was able to paint my nails and shave my legs.  I was singing praises thru both these procedures.  So beyond gratefulness!  Had 4 visitors today and the plumber (who actually was someone I have gone fishing with....lol small island). It was good to "feel" almost normal.  I go next Wednesday for my post op check. I am very swollen today and as my friend reminded me.....no matter how swollen cancer free is sexy!! I will keep reminding myself of that. Obviously the surgery went amazing. I can't believe it only took 1 hour!! 10 tumors GONE and the one on my vocal cord plus the one on my nerve for my left arm peeled off like an onion. Thank you God for this miracle you blessed me with. As I woke up from the surgery I remember the very first thing I did was lift my left arm up and then a sweet nurse was there and I said "hello" at this exact moment I knew I was great! Then I asked for ice chips and let them do their thing.  What amazing care I was given. Thank you my friends for praying me thru this last week. I really am feeling great and no pain meds is making my head clear again.  Life is almost back to normal,  my kids are smiling & laughing. Another week off with my mom here....hope to gain some energy so we can have some fun. She has been busy sewing while I sleep. I just love how my mom stopped everything to be here for me and my family.  She is a gem!! ♥♥♥ Radiation will begin in November but until then life will be back to living.

Today

Well here we are the day of surgery. I am wide awake because my internal alarm clock says its time to get up for work. How I wish today was a normal day and I was getting up to go to my job that I love. I enjoy every minute of helping others. I have learned to stop saying "that's ok, I don't need anything. " And am now saying,  "I'm not going to tell you no, you do what you need to ." It took me a very long time to get to being able to accept help and figure out people are doing it because they care and need to for themselves.  Seems like such a simple concept,  but so hard for this stubborn lady. I am so much better at giving then receiving.  There's a party today that I really wish I didn't have to sleep thru....my heart is so touched with love as part of my Army will physically be with me today at the hospital. My husband, son, daughter,  mother, Great Aunt, Great Uncle, my girlfriend from jr high/sr high & Kenny (our friend who is responsible for Ken & I ever meeting). With more of my Army coming thru out my stay.....my best friend,  nurse friends, my old boss & co-worker/amazing friend. I can't even begin to describe how this touches the depth of my heart. Thru life at times it's easy to wonder who would really be there in your time of need. Let me tell you learning this answer for real blows my socks off. I have no room at all to ever wonder that question.  I am covered in so much prayers & love that it's better then pixie dust and I honestly can fly. I am not nervous this morning,  not even a slight tummy ache. I know who goes before me and who carries me. My faith has grown stronger, my love for life is more intense,  my friendships have proven their depths....I am truly blessed. No matter todays outcome I will still be smiling.  I have erased the words "I can't! " and my heart is ready to push thru any obstacle thrown at me.....because I will only fail if I don't try. Thank you for being my Army or maybe I should say Thank you for being my Navy....lol Navy Strong my friends Navy Strong!  Thank you for having my back! I love you!!♥

Time

It's the morning before and as I just turned off my work alarm clock for the near future I find myself not thinking "of lasts" but "of firsts". Tomorrow will mark my new birthday.  Another day on my calendar for celebration.  What will the celebration be for.....oh this I know because no matter the outcome of the day we will celebrate my living. I really have lived my life to the fullest and full of adventure.  I have no regrets.....well maybe one (I wanna swim with sharks). Everything I ever dreamed about as my fairytale of life has happened for me....because when I was a kid my dream was to be a mom. Yep I got that definitely well accomplished. My children I still adore and would do anything to protect them. I have done my best to prepare them for what tomorrow will be and that no matter what laugh thru it. I believe that is one of the key things that makes me crazy but able to live without stress crushing me down. While I don't have everything like my closet cleaned out prior to, I do have my heart ready for tomorrow.  And the "stuff" in the big picture it just doesn't matter. I pray you know how much I love each and every one of you and am so extremely thankful for who you are in my life. My friends you have shown over and over so much love and support that it brings me to tears. We may not always have time to talk but I know you are there. I can't say thank you enough! You have blessed my life!! I was talking to my Mamma last night and said "no matter what the outcome of the surgery it's a win win because I will either be eating mashed potatoes with my Bumpa in heaven or waking up laughing here." I honestly am completely at Peace right now. And am laying in God's hands. It's a beautiful thing that I can't fully explain in words. I wonder if I have a glow around me like Tink. ;) I know death is not really a topic that's easy to talk about. But 100% of us do die. And my wish is that when the day comes it will be one of celebration of life and many rounds of deep belly laughs. Get lost in our fun memories that we did do and even make up new ones that we would love to do if we could. I love you my friends and until we met again remember to laugh lots!!!!  ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Weak and strong too

My morning started with me losing it. I knew at some point the reality would strike. I was still in bed and as Ken held me I cried out, "Promise me no matter what you will make my kids laugh!". I plan on being a survivor,  but my head does wonder at times if this is the end for me. It's hard not to think about death as much as I try not to. It is a reality. Today we went to church,  then dropped Danny off at a birthday party, went on a lunch date, followed by massages and as Ken was having his I went to the pottery shop and painted. Getting lost in my own world. I painted both kids their own pancake platters....you see I made one years ago for Ken that on Saturdays we load up with pancakes in the oven to all sit down and eat together. The kids have already fought over who gets the platter when they move out. Now all 3 have their very own. My plan was to make them as wedding gifts someday so they did have their own. But I have learned we don't know what tomorrow holds. My head is ping ponging all over the place. I need to make a beware sign for the side of my hospital bed because as soon as I wake up I will be attempting to swing my left arm and yell. I gotta know right off if my parts still work. My head wonders how on earth will I make work work if I don't work the same anymore. I pray I can be a light some how and suceed in my weakness. Thank you for so many kind words, prayers, scarfs of hugs, driving me & your love.  I will take this week head on and living it to the fullest! ♥

Perfect day

Yesterday as I walked, laughed, hugged and even let a few tears fall when no one could see; I was locking away moments in my heart. Our day at the Puyallup Fair was everything I wished it to be. Decided we weren't really a fan of deep fried Snickers....they were interesting but my Snickers Smores are way better. The Elephant Ear smoothed in raspberry jam and the Krusty Pup (corn dog) were yummy. But my favorite as always was the hot raspberry filled scone. Maybe it's the memories that are included with the scone.....that was the one thing we always ate as a kid too. But it made a tongue very happy. The animals were fun too, but the memories captured in the barns was priceless.  I will share the photos. Danny pointed out 2 cow butts so I turned to snap a photo.....it took a lot of shots and Ken holding Danny back from blocking my camera as he was laughing and telling me I was being inappropriate. I got another picture of a cow just as his tongue was in his nose. We couldn't stop laughing. Oh and talk about inappropriate,  as my son pointed out a cow that was laying down that I guess was too exhausted to stand up to poop and had a mess at its tail. I got to milk "Mabel" who even moo'ed as I tugged. The kids passed but I got a coloring page for success. The cute part in the animals was Mary and a baby goat and ohhhh those 1 day old piggies.  I wanted to take them home. The kids and I made our dohdoh birds (colored sand bottles). I remember standing at those same booths with my sister year after year. Danny made his in his school colors.  Mary did a heart as she said she wanted to lock in these memories of so much love. And I did the thyroid ribbon colors. We took our time and got them just right. As Ken watched and captured the moments with pictures and ate his Krusty Pup. We took the birds to the car so we didn't have to carry them. ....this resulted in some serious laughter as I looked down and my birds nose was gone! He was now deformed like I am gonna be. Oh the jokes and funny faces. I was able to get a new nose to glue on at home when I asked the fair worker. We walked the rows and rows of booths of all the cool gadgets for sale. I laid in a space looking massage chair....and I had to have Mary figure out how on earth to stop it and get me out and everything was blown up around you to lock you in and the sales guy had walked away. It actually was hurting my back but we were laughing so hard. The kids really wanted the hot tub and kept saying it would help you mom....lol We didn't get it. But there was no lack of trying.  I really enjoying looking at new gadgets.  I got a hose spray thingy that was invented by a fireman and now my hose will look like I am putting out fires. They came in multiple colors and of course I picked turquoise. We also got a really cool pruner that can be done one handed even thru a thick twig. The kids favorite buy was their Manga sweatshirts as Mary had her paycheck and spoiled her brother.  This makes me smile as I watch her WANT to do something nice for her brother.  My favorite buy of the night is a nail art kit.....oh boy am I gonna have fun with my nails today. So the concert was amazing.  Carrie Underwood met the 3 year old girl who was in her video today for the first time. That little girl told Carrie she was going to sing with her. So that's exactly what happened. They sang I'm going to see you again. It was the sweetest thing. The moment and the song made me cry as going thru my head were those words and I know I am going to see my kids again, rather on earth or in Heaven. It is getting so real and so close that I find myself with a permanent knot in the pit of my stomach. My heart aches but I will not give up and I truly believe attitude makes all the difference in what my outcome will be. Right in front of us is a 6 month old baby with noise canceling head sets and he couldn't stop smiling at MaryBeth as it brought thoughts of her facial expressions to me when she's a mama some day. Capturing every avenue in my head these days. My sons ears were hurting from the volume as he has his mom's super sonic ears. He ended up falling asleep on me. It made me laugh but I enjoyed the snuggle time fully in the middle of the fun. As I was driving us home I replayed the day over in my head. Then all of a sudden Danny's birds nose fell off and a whole new round of laughter flooded around me. I loved our day and am so glad we pushed the surgery off so we could make these memories. ♥

Untitled

As my son didn't even look back as he attends his first youth group meeting ever....big step for my shy boy....I sit in the car writing him a forever letter, getting lost in music and praying for protection over my children & husband this week. We have sugar coated nothing for our children so that there are no surprises. It's difficult to figure out that fine line but knowing my kids I believe they are not only old enough but will trust/believe Ken and I even more should life not turn out how we want. If all my wants happened. ...none of this would be taking place. But as we all know life isn't that easy. Why am I going thru this again? Why now? In the prime age of life. There's so much I still want to accomplish and yet so much I have been reminded that I have taken for granted. Life is a precious gift that I know I have thrown aside at times and totally taken for granted. Even the simple things. The sweet notes to let my family know they are so important to me. The quick little text to my friends.  The phone call I never found the time to make. The ease of words coming out of my mouth. The ease of wrapping my arm around everyone I love. I believe God is the mighty healer and I believe in miracles!  I pray for God's protection over me and my family.  If things turn out different then my desires it is ok but I will pray for strength and a creative mind to make the best out of the situation all with humor of course. Feeling exhausted, emotional, sassy & sad tonight. Just over a week to go.....

Pushing through

Have you ever had one of those mornings where something is trying to keep you from getting to church? That was our house this morning. First we woke up at 10 am, church starts at 11. Phone rings and it's the nursing home. Mother n law couldn't get her new phone to work. Then the dog had an accident.  Mary wasn't ready, good thing she could drive herself. Next the toilet backed up. And frustration was very apparent.  So I said we are going to church! Told mother n law we'd be over in a few hours. Cleaned up the dog and put her in her cage. And said the toilet could wait as I wasn't gonna risk smelling like a toilet.  We made it to church right on time and Mary was just 5 minutes late. An example of pushing through and ending up in a good place. I had each of my kids holding on to my hand and it warmed my heart knowing how important I am in their lives. Something that really is taken for granted at times. I wondered if I am really going to be unable to hold both their hands again. Will I be able to lift my voice and sing along? How is it that I have taken these simple things for granted? Why haven't I been more thankful? I left church in peace and joy as I watched both my children climb into Mary's car as a team. Why this whole cancer disruption just sucks....the closeness it has grown makes this mama smile. ♥

Time to write

With less then 2 weeks to go my heart has been preparing to write to my children.  I have decided to not use the computer but to actually use a pen & paper. My head and heart have been deep in thought of what exactly it is that I want to say to them. It scares me a little in the depth of my need to write these letters. But at the same time knowing these words I write could make all the difference in their hearts, pushes me forward. Being Mom to my children has truly been my greatest desire and I am so blessed by their love. As you remember my family in your prayers this week, pray for peace and joy. It is turning into the freak out time. So many unknowns and no control is starting to take it's toll. While I try and keep things upbeat and full of laughter there's a storm cloud always hanging just right there. I figure if I blow hard enough like the big bad woof I can shield my family from it. I know there's a battle ahead and I'm very much ready for the fight. Just wish I didn't have to drag everyone into ugliness. But at the same time I can't imagine not having my Army with me. The strength you all think I have pushes me to remain strong and upbeat. I can't let anyone down. ♥