Finding Joy in the Journey

Last weekend I bought a square piece of wood, that says "Find JOY in the journey". All week the word Joy as been in my head. While I have had some downs this week, mostly I have had joy. Joy has come in many ways. I have sat at the post office unable to even start the car as I cry over my mail.....talk about Joy. It wasn't a bad cry, it was a good cry as the Joy of my friendships touch me so deeply. I can't even begin to describe this feeling of Joy, the support,  love, prayers, laughter, hugs by scarfs, texts, books, strawberries,  cards, emails & "drivers". I am amazed,  blessed & full of joy. I have the worlds greatest friends, that have my back.

Even this insurance disaster...I will list some joys. Bottom line is the insurance company states they have nothing since July 2. Which means my referral to the surgeon was never approved. That being said we will just be happy in the Joy of knowledge from my surgeon and those scans. Just maybe it'll all get approved under "continuation of care". Those in the medical field will understand and giggle....as I was that Friday at 4 o'clock patient on a holiday weekend phone call yesterday.  And the insurance rep went out of his way. He said "lets call your referring doctors office together". He was very patient,  funny & full of Joy. His name was Patrick and he lives in Phoenix. We were on hold together as the doctors office had to keep putting us on hold. Thankful for an insurance man with a giant heart. Why I don't know what will unfold ahead, but can only trust and truly let go and let God. It is out of my hands. No stress this weekend.....instead I will find Joy in the Journey.

This poem was on my parents wall when I was a kid....perfect reminder:

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend. I brought my broken dreams to God, because he was my friend. But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone. I hung around and tried to help in ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried, "How can you be so slow?". "My child", He said, "What could I do, you never did let go?".

Find Joy in the Journey......yep that's my plan! ♥

Friends

Today I was once again reminded that I'm not alone. I stand in awe and wonder how on earth I ever became so blessed by amazing friends in my life. The people you see and even the people only I see are from every single journey of my life. There are one's that I was a toddler with, one's I used to go to pre-k with, one's I was in musical's with in my early elementary years, my 5th and 6th grade forever friends, jr high friends, swim team friends, youth group friends, church friends, AZ high school friends, CA high school friends, college friends, my best friend's, parents of kids I babysat who I also call friends, kids I babysat, navy wive friends, family, co-worker friends, dental friends, spouses of my school friends that have become my dear friends, Internet friends, Washington, Oregon, Arizona, California,  Idaho,  Hawaii, Georgia, Virginia friends, my parents friends,  friends of friends & even people that knew my great grandparents but not me. Man that's a giant army I got behind me. One very good upside to moving so much in my life. Life has thrown many different adventures at me thru the years, but without this constant change in my life my army would have never been what it is today. I am so thankful to know so many different, loving, caring & humorous people. The most random texts make me laugh. Thank you for knowing just when I need a giggle,  pick me up, surprise or kind word. For sure you have not allowed me time to get too lost in a self pity party....instead you make me smile and laugh lots. Which is exactly what the doctor ordered. Feeling loved beyond what I deserve.  Thank you!!!!!♥

Weak moments

Waking up from a great night of peaceful sleep and finding out my hubby slept like garbage as his head was full of all the what ifs of the surgery ahead. Boy that really can mess with you. He wonders if he'll have to switch to first shift because I might need ALOT of extra help. How can I keep all of this from changing the way my family runs? Is it even an option to just carry on and do nothing?  No surgery?  No treatment?  That would then create No burden or change, right?? How I wish it were just that simple. My heart hurts as my family is sharing their concerns. Would it just be easier if I didn't survive the surgery? Then they could just move on a whole lot faster. That sounds so negative and it's not meant to I promise!  I just need to find some how, some way to not be a burden.  My prayer is for strength that I can be stronger then I ever knew I could be. That I won't be a burden. And that God controls the surgeon's hands. I promised when I started this blog that I would not hold back and share my journey good or bad. So here you have it....just a hard day of head games.

Starting to Prepare

First a little laughter as my girlfriend Michelle had me rolling last night. Who ever thought one could laugh so hard discussing no voice and a non working left arm attempting to go thru a drive thru with "fun" flash cards to try and order. Oh Michelle you had me in tears and I needed that deep belly laugh that you have always given me. Thank you!!

On the day of my scans and surgeon meeting, Ken was wasting time b4 Mary had to get taken to work by stopping at the bmw bike store. Low & behold he found his gem. Today I got to watch his eyes light up in pure happiness.  At this stage right now I really want to make as many wishes and dreams come true. Not because I am afraid I am going to die, but because any way to have a pure happy moment that distracts the pain is worth so much!!!!!

Today as well we took Danny back to school shopping.....but all Danny wanted was a pair of shoes, he says that he is good with everything else. Is this really my kid??? So needless to say Mama had some time to shop while the girls were roaming the mall. I found some blouses that button up and hide my neck pretty well. Ken & Danny picked out a beautiful scarf for me as well. 2 hours into shopping and I was just plum worn out. So we went and sat outside waiting for the girls. Mary walks up and the needle fearing daughter of mine, who's now 18 and can sign for herself.....got her ears pierced. It was a shocking moment! Things are changing at our house and I was the only one in our family who was unaware she was doing this today. I love the relationship she has been forming with her father and how close they are getting.  Trying not to feel left out...it's a mixed feeling there for me.

Sitting here back at home going thru our mail. My surgery packet arrived today. This is getting very real as I read thru the Health Care Directive/Living Will. But I have no question on signing that I don't want to be left on life support. I don't even want to ever leave that burden on my family of watching me in a coma. Why these are worse case scenarios...I have a duty to sign with their needs in mind.  Heavy stuff but preparing my head, heart & making my wishes in ink.

♥ ~ making memories

I am not cancer, I am me!!

What a day and adventure yesterday was. Definitely reminded I wasn't in control of ANYTHING!  As I walked back and forth from place to place even though I was alone, I never felt alone. I got in trouble for not letting anyone come and sit with me. I am still that girl who feels like she can do it all herself.  It's truly a deep rooted Navy Wife way to be. But I know I'd feel the same way if someone else didn't allow me to be there for them. That wasn't how we planned it, but not knowing if anything was even going to happen until right before it did....I just couldn't see making anyone else sit there could be any fun. So let me give you some details....there are at least 10 tumors in my neck that can be seen. Ranging in many sizes. One is on my vocal cord, which leaves the odds of me losing my voice extremely high. There is an additional surgery that can be done later to reverse that some. I can't even begin to imagine me with no voice....is there such a thing as a quite Dawnelle?? Good thing my ears will still work. Another one of the tumors is wrapped around the nerve in my neck that controls my left arm. The surgeon says he may have to cut that nerve which means no use of my left arm and a road of physical therapy would be ahead. Most of the tumors are located on my left side, where they didn't operate on the last time around. This doctor too believes it's been growing for 18 years. Now the two spots on my lungs are not big and may be able to be treated by radiation.  We are waiting for my older scans to arrive to compare.  After my appointments were over I went outside and called Ken and my mom, then I got in a taxi and the driver asked how my day was? It was only a 5 minute taxi ride to my Great Aunt & Uncle but the driver was able to put a calmness for me to grab on as he told me everything was in God's hands. Then I went to my aunt's arms. I needed that hug!!! We went out for an amazing dinner with my cousin & her kiddos, didn't focus on the yucky stuff and boy did it feel good to eat after a day with no food!!! Oh and the apple crisp was my favorite....sugar touched my lips!!! Next my aunt & uncle drove me to Ken's work to pick up Danny. Dropped us off at the ferry as we left our other car on the other side. Danny stayed connected to me and wouldn't let go. Talked to my mother n law who was eager for some information. And she said, "how are you going to do what you love and cook with only one arm?" Ok that freaked me out as I had not thought about what I couldn't do. Danny saw it and grabbed hold of me and said, "mom lets talk about the positive and what you can do. You will still have your arm and I can help wrap it around me to hug me. You can still laugh and why we may not hear it, we will see it." As my friend pointed out, Danny is me. That's so something I would say to someone else. So I went to bed thinking about the positive,  knowing I am deeply loved and covered in prayer across the world. I still believe in God's power & miracles. I have no control and this isn't my job to run. I slept like a baby. Thank you for loving me and helping me get thru yesterday.  Love your families and make crazy memories!!!!

Tomorrow is the day...

I sit here tonight eating more meat...so glad I just ate that last meal. Tomorrow I can't wait to eat a bunch of carbs & sugar. Oh boy tomorrow.....how I have so many mixed feelings running thru my head. I struggle to digest all of these emotions. I am ready to have answers,  but at the same time I'm not ready to know. The 5 beast that are in my neck, do they have anymore family members? Did the spread anywhere else? Can they operate??? After speaking with my doctor guess I interpreted the surgeon wanting to see me into he can operate.  Possibility is still on the table if surgery is ahead or not. So many questions, needing answers. My heart aches tonight as my life runs thru my head. Nights like this make being on different shifts with Ken very loney. But just like I always do I will put my big girl panties on and suck it up......3 pm tomorrow just can't get here fast enough!!!!

Addicted to food porn.

So I survived day one of no carbs, no dairy & NO SUGAR!!! I am having major withdrawals and most of my thoughts turn to food. Don't get me wrong I do like meat but in small portions. Remember this is the girl who can feed her whole family on 2 chicken breasts and still have left overs. Trying to be thankful this is only until Wednesday and not a new life allergy. But those moments when told I can't do something,  makes me want it more!! :) There's amazing food porn out there and I have some great recipes I will be trying soon!!! I never noticed just how much food is posted on Facebook until now. Hopefully today will be easier as work will keep me busy....but then again the food counter in the clinic is always bubbling over with goodies. Oh boy Dawnelle get ready to hold onto your seat! And tell myself if I screw up I will not get the clearest test results. I can control this no room for error....but dang it I just really wanna make those banana brownies!! ♥ Someone tell me they're horrible!