Thankfulness

With Thanksgiving approaching I am trying to focus on what to be thankful for, even though I could seriously get lost in the world of doubt. On Thanksgiving my no sodium diet begins....I had no clue how much sodium is in everything...reading labels is rather frightening.  Do you know there's even sodium in shampoo & body washes? I keep reminding myself to be thankful that this diet is for only 2 weeks and not a lifetime allergy. Days of quick foods & mochas will be temporarily gone....and planning ahead will be vital. Attitude is everything,  right?? I joke at work as right now I am that patient who is living in her denial stage. My plan is to have my scan on Dec. 12th and for the 2 spots in my lungs NOT to light up and scream hello, I am your thyroid cancers sister. And then I can cancell my radiation treatment on Friday and just have 6 month check ups to monitor that nothing is growing.  Because I will choose not to treat the remaining thyroid tissue. The risk for lymphoma & leukemia just isn't worth it. I know I know we don't know how this will all turn out....but a girl can dream and besides I still believe in miracles! Wouldn't it be amazing to walk out of my scan with not one little light up and to be completely cancer free?? I believe this is possible and pray for God's will! (Even if His plan is different then mine.)

So as Thanksgiving approaches I have so much thankfulness in my heart....Thankful for my 3rd chance at life, my family, my friends, my love of cooking, laughter, happiness and even trials. Life isn't always easy....but I am pretty sure if it was I would miss out on being thankful.

♥

Crazy head beware

It's been a while since I have blogged....mostly because I have been trying to figure out what to do and it's one jumbled mess. But the clock is ticking and a decision needs to be made. This Thursday Ken & I will be meeting with my Endocrinologist for 40 minutes to plan my life. I have no clear answer in my gut that I am leaning towards. The treatment the doc is leaning towards is haunting my head. Radioactive Iodine treatment as I research more and more and get insight from a thyroid support group I get more frustrated.  But the deeper side is the two diseases of leukemia & lymphoma that it will put me at risk for has names & faces of patients that have touched my life as those diseases took them away. I am really struggling with this part. I don't want my children to have to watch those diseases if I can prevent it....not to mention it clearly hasn't worked the first or even second time....why would the third be any different?  If I was forced to choose today my plan I honestly would say I choose to do nothing.  But I will go in with an open mind and ask a lot of questions and finally get to learn about the 2 spots on my lungs as per his email is on our agenda. 

I do have to say I am sorry for pulling away from everyone.  I am in survival mode right now and trying to keep you all protected from this crazy madwoman head of mine. It's a good thing there's not a way for our thoughts to be seen. Just know I still love you all bunches.

Right before....

So as time has moved forward and as I have not taken any heavy pain meds for 3 days now my brain is no longer foggy and I have been able to learn more about surgery day. This morning Ken & I were talking about our brief meeting with the surgeon just prior to me going back. I had decided that I was ok with leaving the tumor if it meant keeping my arm. If given a choice I wanted to keep living the way I knew how, fully. The surgeon said the loss of my arm was his biggest concern as well. But leaving the tumor just wasn't an option. I said, "alrighty then let's get this party started!" I was never afraid and truly was at peace with life. Living up to my saying that I am not allowed to stress over something that I have no power to change. When looking life in the eyes I knew no matter where this adventure was about to go that I'd face it all head on. Ken explained that exact moment as the scariest in his whole life. I am really thankful I wasn't looking at him during that talk as he was behind me. I am so glad my army was able to distract him for the next hour. I am in amazement by God's presence & power to go before and to have such a clear direction and for the tumors to be able to be pealed away WITHOUT cutting my nerves. God is good and I truly give Him the glory. I feel like I was given a third chance at life. My strength is almost completely back. I get exhausted pretty easy and my voice starts to fad if I talk too long. But I can't stop smiling.  Life is good. I pray radiation in November will just be a crazy appointment I gotta go to and that I will continue to work even during. Because I can't stop having a purpose or that means I have given up. There will be time for rest if I need it, and I will listen to my body, not to mention I have this team of medical staff that will not let me push too far. I can't imagine being in a more beautiful spot right now. Life is good my friends.....live it fully with lots of laughter! !♥

Back to myself

Today has been 8 days since green globe was surgically removed. Today was the first day where I didn't take any heavy pain meds. Just motrin, calcium & vitamin D. But today is the first day I can remember the whole day. I only took 1 nap today. I was able to paint my nails and shave my legs.  I was singing praises thru both these procedures.  So beyond gratefulness!  Had 4 visitors today and the plumber (who actually was someone I have gone fishing with....lol small island). It was good to "feel" almost normal.  I go next Wednesday for my post op check. I am very swollen today and as my friend reminded me.....no matter how swollen cancer free is sexy!! I will keep reminding myself of that. Obviously the surgery went amazing. I can't believe it only took 1 hour!! 10 tumors GONE and the one on my vocal cord plus the one on my nerve for my left arm peeled off like an onion. Thank you God for this miracle you blessed me with. As I woke up from the surgery I remember the very first thing I did was lift my left arm up and then a sweet nurse was there and I said "hello" at this exact moment I knew I was great! Then I asked for ice chips and let them do their thing.  What amazing care I was given. Thank you my friends for praying me thru this last week. I really am feeling great and no pain meds is making my head clear again.  Life is almost back to normal,  my kids are smiling & laughing. Another week off with my mom here....hope to gain some energy so we can have some fun. She has been busy sewing while I sleep. I just love how my mom stopped everything to be here for me and my family.  She is a gem!! ♥♥♥ Radiation will begin in November but until then life will be back to living.

Today

Well here we are the day of surgery. I am wide awake because my internal alarm clock says its time to get up for work. How I wish today was a normal day and I was getting up to go to my job that I love. I enjoy every minute of helping others. I have learned to stop saying "that's ok, I don't need anything. " And am now saying,  "I'm not going to tell you no, you do what you need to ." It took me a very long time to get to being able to accept help and figure out people are doing it because they care and need to for themselves.  Seems like such a simple concept,  but so hard for this stubborn lady. I am so much better at giving then receiving.  There's a party today that I really wish I didn't have to sleep thru....my heart is so touched with love as part of my Army will physically be with me today at the hospital. My husband, son, daughter,  mother, Great Aunt, Great Uncle, my girlfriend from jr high/sr high & Kenny (our friend who is responsible for Ken & I ever meeting). With more of my Army coming thru out my stay.....my best friend,  nurse friends, my old boss & co-worker/amazing friend. I can't even begin to describe how this touches the depth of my heart. Thru life at times it's easy to wonder who would really be there in your time of need. Let me tell you learning this answer for real blows my socks off. I have no room at all to ever wonder that question.  I am covered in so much prayers & love that it's better then pixie dust and I honestly can fly. I am not nervous this morning,  not even a slight tummy ache. I know who goes before me and who carries me. My faith has grown stronger, my love for life is more intense,  my friendships have proven their depths....I am truly blessed. No matter todays outcome I will still be smiling.  I have erased the words "I can't! " and my heart is ready to push thru any obstacle thrown at me.....because I will only fail if I don't try. Thank you for being my Army or maybe I should say Thank you for being my Navy....lol Navy Strong my friends Navy Strong!  Thank you for having my back! I love you!!♥

Time

It's the morning before and as I just turned off my work alarm clock for the near future I find myself not thinking "of lasts" but "of firsts". Tomorrow will mark my new birthday.  Another day on my calendar for celebration.  What will the celebration be for.....oh this I know because no matter the outcome of the day we will celebrate my living. I really have lived my life to the fullest and full of adventure.  I have no regrets.....well maybe one (I wanna swim with sharks). Everything I ever dreamed about as my fairytale of life has happened for me....because when I was a kid my dream was to be a mom. Yep I got that definitely well accomplished. My children I still adore and would do anything to protect them. I have done my best to prepare them for what tomorrow will be and that no matter what laugh thru it. I believe that is one of the key things that makes me crazy but able to live without stress crushing me down. While I don't have everything like my closet cleaned out prior to, I do have my heart ready for tomorrow.  And the "stuff" in the big picture it just doesn't matter. I pray you know how much I love each and every one of you and am so extremely thankful for who you are in my life. My friends you have shown over and over so much love and support that it brings me to tears. We may not always have time to talk but I know you are there. I can't say thank you enough! You have blessed my life!! I was talking to my Mamma last night and said "no matter what the outcome of the surgery it's a win win because I will either be eating mashed potatoes with my Bumpa in heaven or waking up laughing here." I honestly am completely at Peace right now. And am laying in God's hands. It's a beautiful thing that I can't fully explain in words. I wonder if I have a glow around me like Tink. ;) I know death is not really a topic that's easy to talk about. But 100% of us do die. And my wish is that when the day comes it will be one of celebration of life and many rounds of deep belly laughs. Get lost in our fun memories that we did do and even make up new ones that we would love to do if we could. I love you my friends and until we met again remember to laugh lots!!!!  ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Weak and strong too

My morning started with me losing it. I knew at some point the reality would strike. I was still in bed and as Ken held me I cried out, "Promise me no matter what you will make my kids laugh!". I plan on being a survivor,  but my head does wonder at times if this is the end for me. It's hard not to think about death as much as I try not to. It is a reality. Today we went to church,  then dropped Danny off at a birthday party, went on a lunch date, followed by massages and as Ken was having his I went to the pottery shop and painted. Getting lost in my own world. I painted both kids their own pancake platters....you see I made one years ago for Ken that on Saturdays we load up with pancakes in the oven to all sit down and eat together. The kids have already fought over who gets the platter when they move out. Now all 3 have their very own. My plan was to make them as wedding gifts someday so they did have their own. But I have learned we don't know what tomorrow holds. My head is ping ponging all over the place. I need to make a beware sign for the side of my hospital bed because as soon as I wake up I will be attempting to swing my left arm and yell. I gotta know right off if my parts still work. My head wonders how on earth will I make work work if I don't work the same anymore. I pray I can be a light some how and suceed in my weakness. Thank you for so many kind words, prayers, scarfs of hugs, driving me & your love.  I will take this week head on and living it to the fullest! ♥