Pure Raw Description

Pure raw description.....Today I have kept myself beyond busy in order to run away from myself. It's oh so different this time around. In my young 20's I was indestructible. But as I am on the verge of 40 I have learned that we are all destructible. I am at a stage where my mind has a mind of it's own. It's getting harder and harder to fall asleep at night as I can't shut my brain off. Why I try to keep a positive spin, there are too many times that the tears have fallen.  I can't even begin to fathom not having Ken by my side right now. He has taken me in his embrace and held me as I fall apart. Not judging me, not filling my head with unknown promises, just loving me. I can't handle hearing "it will be ok!". It just makes me cringe,  because you can't promise something you can't control. Guess I'm just not as strong as I thought I was. Rather a wimp lately.  I am getting more and more anxious to have the CT behind me. Not knowing if it has remained contained in my neck is starting to mess with my head. I keep focusing on the fact for 18 years come Tuesday I have celebrated cancer survival, all to learn that ugly thing was setting up residents the whole time inside of me. This pisses me off more and more as the days go by. I am trying to be my own cheerleader & coach because I hate others having to take care of me. But boy am I finding myself in a state of not knowing how to deal with myself. So if you see me getting lost in work....let me work because at that point I am safe from myself....if you see me stumbling,  push me to laughter. If you see me crying, PLEASE don't tell me "it will be ok!". If you ask me what I need...I honestly don't know. A quick :) or just a thinking of you text brings a smile to my day. Thank you for all the love, support & understanding.  (WOW....as I am wrapping up I see a text of love across the top of my phone.....perfect timing! ♥)

Planning ahead.....

As I wake up this morning my head is focused on how the years have flown right on by. My baby girl is now legally an adult as today she has turned 18. Not really sure how that managed to happen so fast. Last night when she came home from work at 1 am she ran into my room to welcome me home. She has never stopped calling me "Mommy", which has always made me smile as I hadn't lost that part of her childhood.....but last night she said, "I missed you so much Mommy! Wait maybe I should grow up and not call you Mommy anymore?!" Oh I know it's time for her to spread her wings, just didn't know how much it was going to hurt when she did. I am so proud of who she has become and that she's strong in who she is. So thankful that she left the teenage drama part out and just had fun as a kid. We are opposites in so many ways but as she's growing up I love seeing her pick up some of my traits.

It's really past time to get my photos all back out and get my scrapbooks put together. I have neglected this part of my life for years now. With the exception of Shutterfly making 3 albums. But as I look ahead and yes (if I'm being honest) even wonder myself at times how/if I will survive this ugly disease. I set a goal for myself to get my kids childhood's documented in photo form and stories too, so that no matter what they will still have the memories and stories only a mother can tell.

Life isn't always going to be easy but I am just one of those people who has to plan ahead whenever possible....must be the control freak in me.

Love your family a little bit extra today! ♥

Mixed emotions.....

I am completely refreshed and yet exhausted...while my head had such a well needed forget everything break...I find myself at the end of this trip back into the thinking too much mind set...airports bring the past, present & future into my mind as I sit and people watch and get lost in my own world. Why my life sure has been one full of so many adventures,  for what I am grateful....has it turned into my childhood dreams? But then again could I have even come close to dreaming this life? I am so thankful for having a man who allows me to be me and run off from life time and time again.  I know this is a rare trait and one I promise I don't take for granted. He laughs at me going to see some hotties but honestly I know I have my own Chippendale at home...I love that at 44 years old I can still admire one hot sexy body daily.....the show was great but it made me miss my man more then anything....especially when they came out in their Navy dress whites....yum!!! A man in uniform melts me still. I do love my life and love that I am still an independent, crazy & fun loving as always....our futures are not written,  but our pasts are gone....living in the present,  because it's a gift to enjoy to the fullest.  ♥

A cure for escaping reality.....a trip with a friend

Since March my life has been non stop between a switch to electronic medical records at work, moving my mother n law from Virginia to a nursing home by us in Washington,  my daughter graduating from high school, dealing with our 4 legged 11 year old baby illness and death, learning and preparing to deal with my cancer and just the everyday business of life. I try to keep my life full of fun but the drama on a down low. But goodness I feel like it's been nothing but drama. In an attempt to run away from reality, I have escaped to Vegas with my girlfriend from high school.....just what I needed.

After just one day away my head is free from thinking and always being one step ahead. We all need to take a break from life just to be able to function better. I can't even begin to describe how free I feel.

So my flight here was one for the books....ya all know me I talk to everybody.  Well the couple I sat next to on the plane I'm pretty sure they noticed nothing. No hellos no eye contact.  Ok I can be quiet and after only 2 hours sleep I did need a nap. But first I needed a barf bag....not one opposed to PDA but when your in public and acting like your in a room behind closed doors, it's just a tad too much. I felt like I was stuck in a bad porno movie and couldn't get out. I almost offered some advice....lol I really don't get embarrassed too easily,  but I was blushing for them!! But hey guess it was a good jump start to escaping reality.

This trip so far has been full of lots of deep belly giggles, fantastic people watching,  a couple naps, sleeping in, eating some amazing food, drinking a free shot right outta the bottle from a sexy man standing on the bar.....really a perfect escape from reality. Oh Vegas even with your scorching heat you are working your magic....well except the slots...lol

A peek into the quiet times...

So this morning Ken stirred awake as I was preparing for work....this usually doesn't happen as he gets in around 1 am from his job. But once in awhile we have one of those quiet morning chats....today was one of those days. He looked at me shaking his head....I popped a smart mouth comment....he said nothing and continued to shake his head. No laughter came instead out of his mouth came...."They lied, NO cancer is a good cancer to get." For years we have been told, "if you're going to get cancer, thyroid cancer is the one to get". I could see the sadness, anger & fear in his eyes. How does one offer support during those unknown moments?  Well with me I turn to laughter....I tried making him laugh. Today I failed. The thought of this evil monster growing inside of me for 18 years has entwined so many emotions throughout my family. We WILL get thru this one day at a time. Some days will be easier and some harder. I will be thankful when we can place all of this behind us again and just celebrate life. Some days I just ignore the big elephant in the room....because it's just easier. I have released Ken from going to my biopsy with me...as he and needles don't mix well. Not sure if it will help him not to face reality for just a little bit longer. I sure hope so. Don't worry I won't be alone. Thank God for girlfriends!!! For now I am ready to forget reality as I run away this weekend with another amazing girlfriend. Friends are soooooooo important!!!! ♥ I love you!

Another birthday? I think so! :)

As I wake up this morning my mind wonders back 18 years....this time 18 years ago I was preparing to have my life's desire....my sweet baby. I didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl yet...but it didn't matter,  my goal was for a healthy baby. Now I had asked God for a red head, blue eyed girl...lol. (Which clearly He said yes to.) My first amniocentesis was performed. Babies lungs weren't ready. So another 2 weeks of steroid shots in my butt and we'll check again. Disappointed to drive away and not get to have our baby yet. But it was about her health not mine. I remember going back home and stopping at Ken & Tiffany's....if my mind serves right this was the day we learned that they had a bun in the oven too. :) Trying to find something to do to get out of the July heat...we ended up at the movies. I believe we watched Apollo 13....I was so uncomfortable I remember finally sitting on the floor in the back of the theater. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I just wanted to hold my baby and freeze time. But I knew having her too soon would not be a good thing...I wouldn't let them operate on me while pregnant, like they wanted to. So I kept smiling and enjoyed feeling my little one swim around in my tummy and protected her with everything I had. I would do it all exactly the same way if we could rewind life.

My 5 lb. 13 oz. baby girl will be turning 18 this July 16th.....and her birthday represents so many strengths and accomplishments to me. I have and always will put my kids needs b4 mine. Because that's just what a mama does. I was taught this by my own mom over and over.

So my first birthday is October 12, 1973...the second one I celebrate is July 23, 1995 (my first cancer surgery)...now I think I will not stop celebrating the second birthday because it holds a special part of a major shaping of who I am.....I enjoy special days and any reason to celebrate! :) So I say YES to adding a 3rd birthday/lifeday to my calendar.

One should never stop celebrating life!!! So bust out the party blowers & balloons and SMILE!! Celebrate every day because it is a gift!! ♥