Living with Cancer, not dying from Cancer

I have been quiet for a while as I was going thru a battle getting my old scan images from Virginia Beach. Now they sent them 4 times, some how never getting to the right place.  The 4th time I had them mailed directly to me. Like a dummy I handed the CD'S over to my doctors office with a promise they'd be mailed back to me. A month goes by and I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about those CD'S I never got back. Contacted my docs office and no one knows what happened to them and they were never down loaded or reviewed with the new scans. Needless to say I wasn't exactly thrilled at this. So with my tail between my legs I contacted Virginia Beach AGAIN.....this time I received my CD'S AND the print outs of the report's.  Which all became a blessing as now we have measurements.  Because my scans from 2005 & 2006 were not normal,  as we were told back then. Who knows why! Thank God my cancer is super slow growing.  It was interesting to say the least to read about the mass that almost caused me to lose my voice. Because in 2005 it was noticed. The spots in my lungs were also noticed,  but were smaller. So with all this old but new information we are able to see that in 9 years my Lung masses have only grown 3 mm. What does this mean? It means I am living with cancer, and will for the rest of my life. The location's of my "poka dots" are smack in the middle of my lungs, which means no biopsy or surgery can be done. My radiation days are in my past, I can't have any more without giant risks. Just not worth it! My thyroid medication is double of what I used to take, and my body has accepted it without heart palpitations. Which is fantastic because the medication should keep the cancer from growing too much. 3 mm in 9 years isn't too bad. My doctor believes the poka dots in my lungs are the thyroid cancer, which we know by blood tests that it's still alive in me. It's taken me a bit of time to process and wrap my head around this information. I look at it as I have two choices: 1. I can be living, not stress over what I can't control.  Or 2. I can be dying (which we all are, if you think about it). And get lost in a land of depression.  We all have these 2 choices in life. I don't write this for pity or sympathy,  but for those who want to know where this cancer road has taken me. My next blood work is December 2014 and another scan in July 2015. I just passed my 1st cancer birthday yesterday 19 years. Something to celebrate for sure!! My second cancer birthday is in 2 months.....something mighty special about that! Hugs and thankfulness for all the love and support you all have shown. ♡

Different makes a difference!

For 10 days now I have been on "vacation". What is the purpose of a vacation? I would guess the whole point is to unwind and relax so that you can get right back at life and function. We have lived all over the country and because of that we have vacationed in many different amazing places. This week I have learned it's not so much the destination or the amount of money you spend (which sometimes turns vacation into stress). We were supposed to go to Vegas for a week. However after talking it thru with the kids and Ken, no one was excited to go. So we changed all of our plans. Ken only took 3 days off, however I kept my 11 day stretch off. It's been 2.5 years since my back surgery and time to me to get thru my craft crap. I am surprised Ken hasn't thrown it all out by now. Now you may say that's not a vacation,  however let's go back to the definition.....by getting threw this mess I am releasing ongoing stress and arguments in my future. Besides it's kinda like Christmas and unwrapping gifts. Oh the things I forgot I had. Finding purpose or getting rid of "stuff" is more freeing then laying on the beach. I would have never said that ten years ago. On Wednesday we left for 3 days to stay at a house on the beach on the Washington coast.....the kids ignored their electronic's and we played board games, walked the beach, found a kite and flew it with a broomstick handle, laughed, watched some movies and laughed together. What a fabulous bonding time. Last night as we waited for the ferry we started watching Fireproof, that giant phone of mine came in handy. This morning we finished the movie. What a great reminder of why one should always date their spouse and constantly study them as well. It really summarized why I am doing so much around the house on vacation.  Not because boxes bug me, but because it's important to Ken.  Love that we did vacation different and boy am I actually very relaxed at the end of this "vacation". Guess all those times of saying "it's the little things" really does matter.  So here's to today and tomorrow to finish this giant project. Live, Laugh & Love thru even the boxes. Release the baggage!  ♥ 

The Details

What a journey of emotions I walked today. As I woke up this morning I had a song in my heart. Fully knowing I was not alone. As I got Danny up to get ready for school, my sweet boy was ready to puke. The love my boy has for me melts my heart. I am sorry he had to go threw the fear and knowing he couldn't touch me after I consumed the radiation affected him deeply. I allowed him to stay home from school. Off to catch the ferry I went alone (by choice). After I boarded the ferry I started surfing Facebook where I learned the horrible news that my hospital roomie who finally went home yesterday,  since our surgeries on September 19th, passed away in her sleep. She give it such a mighty fight!! She was such a strong strong lady! I lost count to how many surgeries she ended up having but 16 is in my head. I don't understand why, we had the same surgeon and the same fight. Cancer is such a nasty beast!! As I rode the ferry I cried for my friend. Then I had a new sense of I gotta kick this cancer in the face for both Lyn & I!! I laid in the scan with my Pandora Laura Story music for 49 minutes.....as the scan moved downward they had the monitor facing down at me...the images were blank...nothing was lighting up. My song Blessings filled the room at top volume and I was filled with Peace. Of course the tech's couldn't give me the results but by then we had swapped stories of our jobs. I had the same tech as I did yesterday who witnessed me hugging a patient in the hall. She thought I worked there...lol Sometimes reading between the lines gets one a smile with knowing information. I next went to my doctors office and asked for the results. Yes I was that patient without the appointment,  but I wanted to know if I could eat. I was nice about it and friendly but the clerk was a grouchy pants with an gray cloud attitude.  I told her I would wait, her response we'll the nurses go to lunch in 45 min you may have to wait tell 1:00 when they get back. I said no prob I will wait. Then she proceeded to make snide nasty comments about me as I sat there. So not OK! I held my tongue but not my finger as I email back and forth with my MD so I figured I would email him as I sat there listening to Debbie Downer....not 5 minutes later his MA came out and got me and my MD was waiting for me with my results. Such a giant reminder for all my medical friends and that we don't know the whole picture of any of our patients days and to watch our attitudes and tongues. And not to sit at our desks and complain about things our patients so don't take for granted. (Off my soap box now) My doctors words are still a shock to me......there wasn't any radiation uptake anywhere.  My lungs are clear, my neck is clear of thyroid cancer. This summer I will have a CT scan to check my lungs and make sure whatever it is in there doesn't grow. On Sunday as I stood in church singing at the top of my lungs I had this pain in my lung that I can only describe as a feeling of something climbing out of my chest, directly followed by a complete feeling of peace. I honestly expected there to be some uptake in my neck and fully intended to not treat if my lungs were clear. In the simple words of my son tonight....."Mom, you are very blessed!" Feeling very blessed and even taking tomorrow off from work to just embrace life!! ♥

Crying over Food

Did I really just cry over food? Man who am I? I have been mostly living on oatmeal, granola, fruit & coconut milk. Safe to say I'd be surprised if I am even consuming 600 calories a day. Tonight I came home cut up some veggies to go with my special Indian rice and went to grab the sodium free turkey to add to my concoction and the turkey was MIA. So I call Ken at work and he & Mary ate it....I totally busted out in tears. How wrong of me to get so emotional over food. I was so let down because I was excited to just have food. Needless to say I had already cut up mushrooms & celery.  So I took 4 egg whites cooked them up. Took 1/2 stick of unsalted butter melted it in the wok, added veggies, NON-iodized salt, pepper, rice and cut up egg whites....fried it up. Funny is it turned out so yummy I ate 2 bowls. Then I felt foolish for crying over missing food. Trying to look for positive.....so I will focus on the fact I am now more then half way...I am down 8 pounds in a week and my new pants are falling off and so is my wedding ring. I grabbed my daughter's winter coat out of the closet this morning and zipping up a size small toasty warm coat did make me grin. I am finding it harder to stay focused and put my headsets on my ears at work to keep me from getting distracted.  But SQUIRREL's sure like to jump at me. ;)

Snappy pants

I have spent my weekend sleeping a whole lot. Sleeping in AND naps. Tried to shop after going to the Vet and I was done 20 minutes into it. I just wanted to go home. I did make it to second service at church but didn't have the strength to stand and sing. Funny how much strength we really do get from the food we eat. I am not even half way thru my special radiation diet and I have been forced to face that I really do have a disease. Up until now I haven't really thought about what does cancer look like. Sure we all see people who have lost their hair as they under go treatment, but there's not always a solid image that screams cancer. Cancer can be silent with no image to display.  Which in some ways really makes it easy to live in denial.  My favorite place to live for sure....because when living there it's like living at Disneyland. My brain is not operating fully and at times it takes me a second. Maybe it's safe to say my brain has turned into oatmeal....because I sure have been living on oatmeal.  12 days until my scan....hmmmm kinda like the 12 days of Christmas. Let's see on the 12th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal. On the 11th day of prep my true love gave to me a poached egg white. On the 10th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal. On the 9th day of prep my true love gave to me an avocado with no salt tortilla chips. On the 8th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 7th day of prep my true love gave to me 5oz of chicken, no salt of course. On the 6th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 5th day of prep my true love gave to me homemade granola.  On the 4th day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the 3rd day of prep my true love gave to me special rice & turkey. On the 2nd day of prep my true love gave to me a bowl of oatmeal.  On the last day of prep my true love gave to me one last freakin bowl of oatmeal. It's safe to say life is rather interesting right now as I try and cook for the family and for me. They are being so good about trying to help and not complain.  I am trying not to be grouchy pants but I love food and being told I can't makes me grouchy. So if I get snappy at you, please don't take anything I say right now too personal.  ♥

Thankfulness

With Thanksgiving approaching I am trying to focus on what to be thankful for, even though I could seriously get lost in the world of doubt. On Thanksgiving my no sodium diet begins....I had no clue how much sodium is in everything...reading labels is rather frightening.  Do you know there's even sodium in shampoo & body washes? I keep reminding myself to be thankful that this diet is for only 2 weeks and not a lifetime allergy. Days of quick foods & mochas will be temporarily gone....and planning ahead will be vital. Attitude is everything,  right?? I joke at work as right now I am that patient who is living in her denial stage. My plan is to have my scan on Dec. 12th and for the 2 spots in my lungs NOT to light up and scream hello, I am your thyroid cancers sister. And then I can cancell my radiation treatment on Friday and just have 6 month check ups to monitor that nothing is growing.  Because I will choose not to treat the remaining thyroid tissue. The risk for lymphoma & leukemia just isn't worth it. I know I know we don't know how this will all turn out....but a girl can dream and besides I still believe in miracles! Wouldn't it be amazing to walk out of my scan with not one little light up and to be completely cancer free?? I believe this is possible and pray for God's will! (Even if His plan is different then mine.)

So as Thanksgiving approaches I have so much thankfulness in my heart....Thankful for my 3rd chance at life, my family, my friends, my love of cooking, laughter, happiness and even trials. Life isn't always easy....but I am pretty sure if it was I would miss out on being thankful.

♥

Crazy head beware

It's been a while since I have blogged....mostly because I have been trying to figure out what to do and it's one jumbled mess. But the clock is ticking and a decision needs to be made. This Thursday Ken & I will be meeting with my Endocrinologist for 40 minutes to plan my life. I have no clear answer in my gut that I am leaning towards. The treatment the doc is leaning towards is haunting my head. Radioactive Iodine treatment as I research more and more and get insight from a thyroid support group I get more frustrated.  But the deeper side is the two diseases of leukemia & lymphoma that it will put me at risk for has names & faces of patients that have touched my life as those diseases took them away. I am really struggling with this part. I don't want my children to have to watch those diseases if I can prevent it....not to mention it clearly hasn't worked the first or even second time....why would the third be any different?  If I was forced to choose today my plan I honestly would say I choose to do nothing.  But I will go in with an open mind and ask a lot of questions and finally get to learn about the 2 spots on my lungs as per his email is on our agenda. 

I do have to say I am sorry for pulling away from everyone.  I am in survival mode right now and trying to keep you all protected from this crazy madwoman head of mine. It's a good thing there's not a way for our thoughts to be seen. Just know I still love you all bunches.