Show me your Polka-dot's please!

I can't stop thinking of Polka-dot's this week. I have had my weekend of getting life ready for everyone else and crying my eyes out in a very freeing release. I am ready to punch these Polka-dot's out of my life for life. My brain is like a messed up ball of yarn, my stomach is in knots, it's hard to focus. However, laughter and music are my safety net. Friends checking on me and placing a smile randomly throughout my days, nights and waiting for me to wake up to. What a blessing. Benefit of friends all over the world lol. I can't even begin to express how much this means to me. I wake up too many times through out the night, but love the love waiting on my phone. (I keep my alerts off always, so that's not what wakes me up.) I love my village! Just another reminder of how important you all are in my life.

That being said.....on Monday, Feb 29th I declare it to be Polka-dot day....celebrate, smile and flood my fb, instagram, texts with you in your Polka-dot's....socks, shirts, dresses, ties....whatever works for you as it's officially Dawnelle kick polka-dot day!!! ♡ Those asking what they can do for me.....this is my request. It will bring many smiles to my face. :)

My Wishes

My wishes....if the day comes and there is time my wish is to have a living funeral.  I ran across an article about this while driving to my grandmother's memorial.  Time is so hard to plan in the unknown. And emotions are all over the board right after someone dies. So the planner in me, thinks a living funeral screams Dawnelle.  You see I have always said my funeral will be a party. To celebrate my life, not mourn my death. And after reading of a way to be apart of my own party....I want this for myself and for those I love that when my time comes nothing is left unsaid or unanswered. My daughter has always said she will have bubbles and balloons there for me. She definitely knows what makes her mom smile. I don't want any question to go unanswered of what my wishes are. So I figured my blog can't get lost as easy as a piece of paper. I want laughter. I want smiles. I want a big party with everyone I love. I want memories for my children, husband, family & friends to keep them going. I have already asked my cousin Ryan to perform my service, when the time comes. A question I know he never wanted to hear. I may be a dreamer,  but I am also realistic. I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of not fully living. Life is one big giant adventure meant to explore. It's not always rainbows and glitter. But learning not to let the crap get you down and keep you there, is a sweet tool to acquire. So if it's possible to be apart of my celebration of life, I chose this. I want the song: You're Gonna Miss Me When I am Gone", "There Will Be a Day of no more suffering,  no more pain". Then after I am gone my wish is to have my family take a trip of a lifetime and spread a handful of my ashes in all of our favorite places we have been; canyon beach, smokey mountains in Tennessee, Victoria, big crater on Hawaii, ebey's on Whidbey Island and then to take the rest of me to some where new of their choosing and let me go. I write this today not to be sad, but to let you have my words for when they are needed. I figure if I put it here, someone will remember. Do I think I am dying tomorrow?  Nope, but there's about 100% chance I will at some point. I leave this here for then. The other thing I have always said is Ken can totally remarry with my blessing as long as she is funny, has big boobs and invests in our children with love....he rolls his eyes at me for this...but my wish is that he keeps living with lots of laughter and love in his life. ♡ Love with my whole heart,
Dawnelle Claudette Bowen Pike Conlisk

Deflated

Feeling like a balloon that was filled up with excitement and then released to deflate and land in the unknown.

The never ending journey.....trying to find my smile.

Yesterday I went and saw a new Ear, Nose & Throat Doctor. Thinking I was going there to get a plan for the 5 masses that are in my neck. March 2015 they found 1 mass, biopsied and it was positive for papillary thyroid cancer. So we did the alcohol abliation to it. Which didn't shrink it, it has only shifted in it's size....like it was running away from the alcohol. October 2015 the 1 mass was now 5 masses. We had to make sure the masses in my lungs were stable, as this would dictate how we treated. Thankfully my lungs have remained stable. So now it's time to address my neck. But a detour came as they thought I had a blockage or cancer in my bile duct. Turns out I don't. I just have fat. Oh the laughter in release of holding my breath and fat jokes. But yesterday took my laughter away. I was told I should be thankful I have gotten almost 21 years now after diagnosed. Which in my head transferred to at least you have gotten 21 years.....what I am supposed to celebrate that at least I have 21 extra years and not to get greedy? I want more, I want to stop putting my family through this hell. I want to be normal, I don't want to wonder if I will have another 21 years of this up and down battle. I had a scope shoved down my nose on both sides and down into my throat. Good news no masses inside my throat. Bad news he doesn't know why I keep getting food and pills stuck in the bottom of my throat. Other then that's where one of the 5 masses are. But I am breathing ok. Next step is for my endocrinologist to do another biopsy either on just the one in my throat or all 4 new masses since October. 2 are along my throat and the other 2 are under my shoulder blade. If the one on my throat comes back positive with cancer, none of the treatments are good choices. Alcohol abliation, which that close to my vocal cord could paralyze my voice. But if we let the mass grow I could lose my voice anyways. Another surgery they are trying not to do, as the more I have the riskier they get. I-131 radiation treatment I have maxed out on. External beam radiation is a long daily treatment that would make another surgery really difficult due to the scar tissue it causes. I already knew all of this before I went yesterday. I actually believed I was going in to hear a plan. Instead I left with a confirmation that I am in the middle of a pickle. I left there mad, pissed and frustrated. We are going on 2.5 years now of this battle that has no quick fixes anymore. I want my life back. I want to wake up not worrying about when things hurt or every little bump I feel be something new that I need to worry about. I want to talk about fun stuff not how I am doing/feeling today. And yet I feel like this has gone on so long that I no longer know what kind of support I even need anymore. I feel hurt when I am not asked/supported by those I am the closest with. And yet I don't want them to even talk about it as I am doing my best to keep life "normal". There are days I cry by myself as I run and hide. Most days when on stage you will see me laughing and joking. For it is my mask. My emotions are all over the board. Today I saw a quote that said to dance in the storm and you'll be stronger on the other side. Is there another side of this storm.....starting to think not in my lifetime. If you read this to the end then I know you must really love me. Even the broken me. -feeling jumbled.